I'm Scared

The above video by famous British Youtuber, Charlie McDonnell (charlieissocoollike), describes my life at it's current point in time.

Now I know a lot of other people feel the same way, and I'm not trying to take that away from them, but I want people to know that I can relate to it. That's why I have started a blog, right? To show that I can relate to people.

However, recently I feel like I can't relate to people. F*ck, I feel like I can't relate to myself. I feel lost, like Charlie said, "I just have been the best version of myself recently."

I haven't been the best version of myself. I have screwed off in school, yet again. I still don't have a solid job, I might be homeless for a while, I don't know how to carry on a relationship. I am scared that I have failed so much already that there is nothing left for me to do but just give up.

Now, I'm not actually going to give up. That would be way too stupid, and my mother would kill me because she is strong powerful woman who never gave up on her dream. She made it work for her, somehow and some way. It may not have been the same dream she started out with, but she changed it to what she needed it to be to get where she is today.

I am trying to do that. It's just, as Charlie said, I'm scared of people. I'm sick of being judged that I'm not skinny enough, I'm too hairy, I failed school, I've done things that I'm not proud of. I am even at the point where I feel like some of my closest friends are sick of me. I can't get a grip on what I want to do, who I want to be.

And that scares me. I'm scared that when I do get a job I will have responsibilities. I'm scared that I'm going to fail Logan with the BFK stuff, I'm scared that life will become to much for me. And even in this point in time just floating on isn't going to help.

I'm scared that if I don't break this fling off with this guy I like, I could loose a really good friend. I'm scared that others will, or have (or actually I know they already did) judged me for that. I'm scared that I can't find love, or that I won't.

I'm scared. And that's okay, because everyone is scared, right?

"My hope, is that this is just what it's like to be human, that everybody just secretly feels the same way as me."