July 8, 2011: Someday my Prince will come

It’s 12:19 am here, in this small town of nowheresville, montana. Nothing outside stirs, except for the occasional leaf that flutters relentlesly in the soft breeze. I know that on main street, street lamps illuminate the vacant area. The Wolf Den sign flickers on though, inviting the lonely drunks to go an visit with friends that never leaave. The cheap smell of whiskey wafts through the town, blanketing us all for a well rested night for tomorrow.

In earlier posts I mentioned people are probably never going to read this, nor respond to it in anyway. It doesn’t matter to me, because this is like a diary for me, a place to put down my thoughts, my ideas so that I can come back to them and re-read them. If someone happens to stumble upon it and read them, well let them, this is on the net for a reason right?

I can’t help but thinking about tonight, and all the other nights of my life, where I am going to bed yet again without having anyone to say goodnight too, except ofcourse my mother and dog but that’s not what I’m getting at.

I wonder if you can loose the feeling of love? If one hasn’t loved in a long time can it just slip away from them like a good dream that we want to cherish forever, yet when we want to tell someone about it, it’s gone from our lips; evaporated, leaving nothing but the cracks and dried blood to tremble there for a minute while your eyes sting with water, all because you forgot the most beautiful thing in your life.

Now I don’t know about you, but I have had those moments plenty a times in my life. It’s that dream you wake up from that makes you feel more alive than you have ever felt before, yet you can’t remember a thing! You know that there was something amazing about it but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Yet, not matter how hard you try, after that it’s gone forever until suddenly 20 years later you have the same dream, or maybe it’s the second part, but it doesn’t matter because you won’t remember it anyways.

Dreams…. I have a ton of them, and not just one’s that I get from sleeping, but actual dreams, goals in my life. Do you want to hear one of them? Okay… here it goes.

I have this dream, that one day, probably in my early 40’s, when I still look half way young and good looking, I will have this amazing partner in my life, you looks a little bit like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or maybe Heath Ledger. He always has the best style, dressing in cute suits but with some hipster style thrown into the bunch. His smile was goes up just a bit more on the left side of his face and gives him this sort of goofy yet totally sexy look, and he has a bit of stubble that I love to rub my hands on and my cheek when I kiss him. His personality is a little bit boyish but amazingly mature with those times where we love to just laugh together. He keeps me on track of everything and no matter what is much like my mother, when I get stressed he sits me down and talks me through what is going to happen.

With that, we would live in a nice house somewhere in upper Manhattan (if we lived in New York) or in a nice victorian styled house in a suburban part of Chicago, close to the center of the city. I would be a photographer who was well renowned and I’d be a bit of a socialite. My partner would be a pretty important person in I think the art world, maybe he would write books, or make independet films, or be a photographer as well?

We would have quite the friends and acquantinces, it would be almost perfect, but not, because like any normal couple we would fight. There would be one moment where we weren’t together for two years because we broke up due to the fact that he had met a younger guy while on his job and had an affair, yet in the end we find out that we can’t be without each other and even though things are off to a rocky start when we get back together, it all turns out.

Somewhere however, in our late thirties, we will adopt a kid. I don’t know if it would be a girl or boy, maybe a boy. I’ve always wanted a little boy so I could feel like the father I never had, just to make amends with the fact. He would love us, we would love him, we’d have our struggles because kids would tease him about having two dads, he would go on to “hate” us in his teen years but never really did. He’d go to college, or maybe not, to get into something he really wanted to, I forsee something with art in his future and when we grew old, he’d take care of us. He would also get married and have kids of his own, making us grandparents. He’d be very successful!

In the end my partner would die off first, I would live life like a sad disney movie until I found out my last kick before I died and would end up with my family and my beloved partner in where ever you go when you die!

That’s my dream.

That’s the ultimate goal in life. On the way I would also be an activist for LGBT groups as well as anti-corporate tobacco groups and also hopefully do some motivational speaking at FCCLA, in which I was in almost all my life!

In the end of the grand scheme of things I would learn that my life was always perfect, even if it didn’t seem like it. To me, everything turned out to be perfect.

July 4, 2011: Dear Camera, Why are you so damn sexy?

Okay after 2 weeks of not having done a blog, or laundry! I am finally on top of doing both! Yah!
These past two weeks have been quite crazy for me with lots of drama, orientation and cute guys. (: Anyhoo... on with the blog...

I can definitely tell you that I don't think I've felt this way in a very long time. But it seems I get this way every summer and it always ends terribly. I would like to blame summer, for getting me in this weird state of hormones, but I know that it is just the way my life is put together and I shouldn't be so fucking surprised that it's happening... again.

Okay, I'll set up a scenario for you all. Imagine you just got enough money to go buy that brand new camera you've always had your eye on. Let's say for instance, that it's a Nikon d5000. One of the best newer cameras on the market right? Well you finally can go buy it, and for a really good deal! I have that feeling. That feeling of anticipation and excitement of something new in your life, like you can take on the world with just you and that camera. Again, I have that feeling.

Let's remember when you first set eyes on that camera. It was by accidental chance when you first bumped into it, but you did see it before getting your hands on it saying to yourself and friends, “Wow, that's a HOT camera!” And you know it is, as well as everyone else in the room! You always find yourself trying to get glimpses of it every here and there to see if it's pointing on you, about to take your picture so you can feel like you are a part of that camera!

Finally it is your chance to get one and you are sooo excited because fun fact, it has been taking pictures of you and you've got to see them afterwords. The sad part is you don't know if that's the one you want at first, you do a shit load of research and asking friends. You tell them about it and they all point to the signs of “Yes!”

So out of all of that you reach out for it. At first it takes a while to find it, you know “the one.” But soon you do! It's a total of self-fulfillment when you do and you are beyond anything in the world to just look at it and bask in it's utter beauty! Then you buy it....

That's the best part! It's gorgeous, it works nice, no damaged goods and best of all, your friends were right about it, as were your suspicions of it. Now it's like you can't stop taking pictures with it; you want to see the beauty, fun, and happiness it brings in your life. The sucky part is is that it has a crappy warranty. The great thing, you don't care, just as long as you are making beauty with it!

That's how I feel right now. I have found my camera and I'm making beauty with it. We had a couple bumps along the road however just a while ago, but I think in the end all of it will work it's way to a solution.

xoxo
JW

Summer Playlist 2011 Part Duex

1. My Body is a Cage- Arcade Fire
2. Barricade- Stars
3. Boys who Rape (Should be destroyed)- The Raveonettes
4. White Leather Pants- Lisa Papineau
5. Kids- MGMT
6. Big Girl (You are Beautiful)- Mika
7. Everlasting Light- The Black Keys
8. Edge of Glory- Lady Gaga
9. King of the Beach- Wavves
10. Boyfriend- Best Coast
11. Dashboard- Modest Mouse
12. Toxic (Cover)- 16bit

June 12, 2011: Happy Birthday...

Today was my 18th Birthday, and like almost every single birthday it was quite lame. I don't know what it is with birthday's and I. It's either really lame or has tons of drama! Like last year for example, it was a failed attempt at a surprise party (however I was mucho thankful for it and I ended up loving it) however, it was the day that was atrocious. I mean it started out the day before my birthday when a two friends suddenly changed and stabbed a bunch of us in the back. Then the next day it was guy that I feel in love with that decided to be a bitch to me.

Lets just say that it didn't end well. To be precise, it ended with me crying my eyes out and ripping up a bunch of pictures of my friends. As well as de-friending and blocking people on facebook, and you know shit's gone down if you de-friended and blocked people! So as you can see, it was just down right terrible and I wished that birthday never ever happened.

However it was 10x worse than my “sweet sixteen,” which was sadly not “sweet” at all. That birthday ended up with me playing the Sims 3, which was a birthday present from myself, all day. Yeah talk about awesome right? Wrong! I seriously wanted to just kill myself that day.

I've always dreaded my birthday ever since my 14th. They never ever go well and it is always really really dissapointing. So I knew that this birthday was going to be just as bad and boring. However on Friday I did have a good day with the girls for an early birthday celebration by going shopping, going out to lunch and being treated to “Brides Maids.”

But this thought has come to me now. Why do I even bother trying to celebrate my birthday when I know that it is just going to end up shitty like usual? Well I think it might be because I hope deep down inside that maybe it will go right and according to plan. Yet I will still despise my birthday's to come until it rightfully happens.

However, fun time that I did actually get to go driving for the first time in my life! I know, I know. A graduated 18 year old who doesn't have his license? Didn't take driver's ed? Yes, I have always been too busy to take it (in other words to lazy to actually sign up), so I just haven't done it! But today my mother finally took me out to teach me how to drive and I was fucking nervous but gradually got better and less nervous! So maybe there is something in store for my future soon!

Now a question for you! Do you have any terrible/embarrassing/happy birthday stories you would like to share? Go ahead and email me @ agaylife@hotmail.com and maybe your story will be up on my blog!

Till then...

xoxo
JW

June 6, 2011: Melodies & Desires

(Cue Lykke Li “Melodies & Desires”)
My family from Georgia left at 9:38 this morning. I didn’t think that it was going to be bad to see them go. I went inside afterwards and fell asleep watching “Moonlight Mile” with Susan Sarandon, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Dustin Hoffman. But I woke up and I needed to get out of the house; I needed to leave. I did. I grabbed my rainbow bag, stuffing in the traveling journal, my pen, “The Bell Jar”, and my keys and I left.
I walked a different route to get where I ended up.

(Cue Death Cab for Cutie “Different Names for the Same Thing”)
The sun beat down on my neck; I started to feel a sweat come across my brow as I was trying not to cry. I just couldn’t put my finger on why I just wanted to cry. Was it because my family that I actually cared about was now gone and I didn’t know when the next time I was going to see them again? Was it because I finally understood that I had graduated when I saw that big yellow bus roll by? Was it because I just needed to cry? Or for the fact that I feel like I’m changing inside? Maybe it was all these feelings wrapped up into one big crazy emotional roller coaster? I didn’t know.
However, I kept walking, knowing I had to get somewhere, somewhere where I could just relax and think about the next big steps in my life.

(Cue Mumford & Sons “Roll Away Your Stone”)
I walked past beautiful houses; yellows, pinks, purples and green rolled underneath my feet as I sped up. It was as if I was trying to runaway from something, like I was running away from my problems that had set up a battlefront in my head. I walked in front of the courthouse and saw a group of older people getting ready to protest against war.
I remember seeing these people many times before. I couldn’t help but think, “I should stop and help,” yet my feet kept on walking. It was as if something had possessed them. Yet I wanted to be there, standing next to their “Peace on Earth” sign, protesting with them. Sure people wouldn’t, or don’t, pay much attention to them, but I think at least they are doing something to help the world, doing what means a lot to them. They are creating awareness and I wanted to help!
I think I might have a calling for wanting to do things to help people. I get it from my aunt Vicki I think.
As I walked past I told myself, “Jerry, one day you will make a sign and go and stand with them to show that at least one person in this community sees what they are doing.”

(Cue Journey “Don’t Stop Believing”)
I was soon on Main Street, walking pas the Art Bistro bustling with its regular afternoon business people getting a nice lunch. It’s strange the way they knew where they wanted to go for lunch while I, a just graduated senior was walking around not quite sure where the hell he was going. No matter how many times I’ve walked around this disgustingly small town, no matter how many years I’ve been here, I still never know where my legs are going to take me.
My head was too busy still trying to figure out why I wanted to leave and why I wanted to cry so badly! So I stopped at the stoplight at the end of Main by the old Radio Shack building. I waved my hand in front of the button and barely heard the delicate bleeps over the sound that was pouring out of my earphones, hoping that it would drown out my thoughts as well as the world around me. It failed and I kept thinking.
I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and I wanted to puke. I felt as if I did, all my problems would come up with it and I would see the reason why I wanted to go so far away in the pile of vile vomit. I kept composure and walked when the little green person flashed before me.

(Cue Mystery Jets “Serotonin”)
I soon found myself on this rock, my solace from the real world by the clear water of the lake. The sun heats up my back as I sit here just writing. Hoping to find some sort of release while I spill words on to these pages, hoping now I’ll find away to realize why I wanted to be here. And now I know, no matter how much I would love to be with my friends right now, I just needed to be alone. I needed some place to relax.
I wanted to cry for so many reasons. I just need to let out this emotion and then go on with my life. I kept thinking, “Wow, I’m graduated, now what?”

(Cue The Postal Service “The District Sleeps Tonight”)
Now I need to just live and see where it takes me.
Some advice: Don’t plan everything and don’t tell everyone where you are going to be all the time.
I wonder what’s going to come next….
We’ll have to see.

xoxo
JW

Happy LGBTQ Pride Month!

This blog celebrates proudly National LGBTQ Pride Month!
Here at mylifetowelcome celebrates the equality in all human beings and we hope this National Holiday will be celebrated in many states!
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

June 4, 2011: Graduation day

Today I finally will be graduating from High School, and I can officially say I'm 100% ready. I'm ready to leave that god forsaken place they call a “school.” I’m ready to live my life as an adult-an individual of society.

I don’t know what this might bring, but I’m hoping that it will bring a summer full of fun, work and maybe even some love interests or two… however maybe not more than two… I think I’d get so confused if there were more. What can I say though? This feels like the right time. Yet, I feel that I still have so much to learn.

Since I’m not a valedictorian or anything else of high honor, I decided to write a speech specifically for myself, a speech that I would have read if I could have. Here it goes:

I can now finally say it is over. High school is now behind us all as we step forward into the new light of the real world. Now, that might seem a little scary and I was assured by many that it was, but the one thing I realized is “so-what.” High School hasn’t prepared us for the real world; if anything it had trapped us from seeing what it truly is. Also movies such as Mean Girls, Easy A, and any cliche ’80s teen drama flicks have not prepared us for what is really out there.

Now, alot of you don’t like me while others of you don’t excatly know what to think about me. I might be voted to most likely end up on the back of a milk box, I may serve under table favors for a place to eat, but if there is one thing certain that I have done at this school, I have left my fingerprints.

I have left them for others too see, to learn from, to grasp when they need help or guidence. I have left them to show everyone, “Hey, I survived this god awful place and I turned out okay.” Sure I had some trials and tribulations, but at the end of it all I am standing here, talking to you all today saying, “It get’s better.”

I would like to address somethings real quick before my time runs out. I have been bullied, cried myself to sleep countless times because of rumors or some nasty remark I was called. I have thought of suicide too many times I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count them on. I want everyone to have this wise information from one of my favorite songs from the album “One of the Boys” by pop sensation Katy Perry:
“Don’t give up, but don’t give in
Build your house on the rock
Oh, not in the sand, in the sand
In the sand, in the sand…
It’s my life and I’m not sitting
On the sidelines watching it
Pass me by, I’m leaving you my legacy
I, I gotta make my mark, I gotta run it hard
I want you to remember me.”

So everyone, I left my fingerprints and I know I will be going down in history, but are you?