It’s 12:19 am here, in this small town of nowheresville, montana. Nothing outside stirs, except for the occasional leaf that flutters relentlesly in the soft breeze. I know that on main street, street lamps illuminate the vacant area. The Wolf Den sign flickers on though, inviting the lonely drunks to go an visit with friends that never leaave. The cheap smell of whiskey wafts through the town, blanketing us all for a well rested night for tomorrow.
In earlier posts I mentioned people are probably never going to read this, nor respond to it in anyway. It doesn’t matter to me, because this is like a diary for me, a place to put down my thoughts, my ideas so that I can come back to them and re-read them. If someone happens to stumble upon it and read them, well let them, this is on the net for a reason right?
I can’t help but thinking about tonight, and all the other nights of my life, where I am going to bed yet again without having anyone to say goodnight too, except ofcourse my mother and dog but that’s not what I’m getting at.
I wonder if you can loose the feeling of love? If one hasn’t loved in a long time can it just slip away from them like a good dream that we want to cherish forever, yet when we want to tell someone about it, it’s gone from our lips; evaporated, leaving nothing but the cracks and dried blood to tremble there for a minute while your eyes sting with water, all because you forgot the most beautiful thing in your life.
Now I don’t know about you, but I have had those moments plenty a times in my life. It’s that dream you wake up from that makes you feel more alive than you have ever felt before, yet you can’t remember a thing! You know that there was something amazing about it but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Yet, not matter how hard you try, after that it’s gone forever until suddenly 20 years later you have the same dream, or maybe it’s the second part, but it doesn’t matter because you won’t remember it anyways.
Dreams…. I have a ton of them, and not just one’s that I get from sleeping, but actual dreams, goals in my life. Do you want to hear one of them? Okay… here it goes.
I have this dream, that one day, probably in my early 40’s, when I still look half way young and good looking, I will have this amazing partner in my life, you looks a little bit like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, or maybe Heath Ledger. He always has the best style, dressing in cute suits but with some hipster style thrown into the bunch. His smile was goes up just a bit more on the left side of his face and gives him this sort of goofy yet totally sexy look, and he has a bit of stubble that I love to rub my hands on and my cheek when I kiss him. His personality is a little bit boyish but amazingly mature with those times where we love to just laugh together. He keeps me on track of everything and no matter what is much like my mother, when I get stressed he sits me down and talks me through what is going to happen.
With that, we would live in a nice house somewhere in upper Manhattan (if we lived in New York) or in a nice victorian styled house in a suburban part of Chicago, close to the center of the city. I would be a photographer who was well renowned and I’d be a bit of a socialite. My partner would be a pretty important person in I think the art world, maybe he would write books, or make independet films, or be a photographer as well?
We would have quite the friends and acquantinces, it would be almost perfect, but not, because like any normal couple we would fight. There would be one moment where we weren’t together for two years because we broke up due to the fact that he had met a younger guy while on his job and had an affair, yet in the end we find out that we can’t be without each other and even though things are off to a rocky start when we get back together, it all turns out.
Somewhere however, in our late thirties, we will adopt a kid. I don’t know if it would be a girl or boy, maybe a boy. I’ve always wanted a little boy so I could feel like the father I never had, just to make amends with the fact. He would love us, we would love him, we’d have our struggles because kids would tease him about having two dads, he would go on to “hate” us in his teen years but never really did. He’d go to college, or maybe not, to get into something he really wanted to, I forsee something with art in his future and when we grew old, he’d take care of us. He would also get married and have kids of his own, making us grandparents. He’d be very successful!
In the end my partner would die off first, I would live life like a sad disney movie until I found out my last kick before I died and would end up with my family and my beloved partner in where ever you go when you die!
That’s my dream.
That’s the ultimate goal in life. On the way I would also be an activist for LGBT groups as well as anti-corporate tobacco groups and also hopefully do some motivational speaking at FCCLA, in which I was in almost all my life!
In the end of the grand scheme of things I would learn that my life was always perfect, even if it didn’t seem like it. To me, everything turned out to be perfect.
