'We are all mad here.'

I don't know what to do.
I want to leave,
runaway but I don't know how.
Can I just leave it all, everything, my family, friends, this life
and just start new?
I don't know what to do.

Skeleton Me

 “I live for the nights I can't remember with the people I'll never forget.”

If there is one thing in this world that I have learned this past weekend was that I the world can never have too many drunk nights. I know, that sounds super trashy of me, and I'm always like, yeah I'm classy and keep it that way. But sometimes you need those weekends where your rules and morals are thrown out the window. That was my weekend.

The great thing about this weekend was the fact that it started out on Thursday night, right around 5:30 pm. It didn't end until about 1 am Monday morning, or Sunday night whatever way you look at it.

It was this weekend that I found something out. It could have been the drugs and alcohol, but it opened my mind to something I thought I had already knew. I have been with the wrong people for a very long time. You might be wondering, what do you mean? Wrong people? And if you are those people, I'm sure you know who you are, I'm sorry. I'm not saying this to be mean or rude, but it's the truth and I'm working on being honest. This doesn't mean I want to be your friend, it just means that I have found a niche of people that I fit in better with.

It was Friday night that this realization came into my head. At once my heart felt like it was in the final lap for the Stanley Cup almost reaching the finish line and being first. I was flooded with all these different emotions, and stepping outside was not in my cards, I couldn't handle the cold at that point. So I sat down on the wood floors of a friends house. It was then that I looked around: Kat was cuddled up next to Chris, who was very drunk but seemed to be enjoying himself as Kat was petting his arm. A very lovely curly haired girl laid down in my lap, her arms wrapping around my leg, my hand getting lost in her curls. The sound of our friend in the back bedroom with the signs of having a too good of a night.

It was this simple picture that got me. It was simple and I was not feeling like I needed to leave or needed to get more fucked up. I was okay with where I was at. No I was beyond happy with where I was at and who I was with. I realized, I have been spending my time with the wrong people.

Again, don't seem offended but the people I would hang out with constantly before, I guess I was just around them tooooo much. I also feel like they don't understand me. I can't talk to them like I can talk to the group I was with at that moment on Friday and I realized why their bond was so strong with each other.

It was the fact that they could talk to each other about things and not feel judged, and that their feelings will be reciprocated. They are truly there for each other. That's what I want, and I know I have those but it seems that I haven't felt that way for a very long time except for with certain people like momma Drake, and very few other people.

It was this group that got me to stop and look at what I was with and what I was missing out on. Even the next day when I went back and hung out with the other group, I wasn't as happy.

I realized it. I realized why I didn't feel like I fit in. It is because they are still so young and innocent. Not saying that I'm old, I mean most of them are a year or two older than me, but they haven't experienced as much as I have, they aren't on my same level of things in where our lives are. For instance, while they are wanting to go watch a movie, or smoke a bowl, I will be wanting to go out and meet people and have fun. I don't want to just drink in a dorm room and that be it. No, I want to go to a random house party and meet new people and experience new things. They aren't ready for that.

They want to have a boyfriend, I want to have some one night stands. They want to go and walk, I want to go fuck something up. They want to talk about drama, I want to talk about and have sex.

My innocence is gone. I got that. But I can't pull myself back to other peoples levels so I can try to have a good time. I have to go out on my own and find others that are on my level. That's when I can find where I truly belong. I can't hold myself back, I have to go forward or else I'm just repeating the past again and for the longest time I felt like I was. With the old group of friends I had in Polson. They were too innocent. I was not. I was never happy with them. I want to be happy.

I am just happy that I have found the people that I have on that Friday night. They are the ones that have changed my life. They are the ones that I want in my life.

XX
JW

Teach Me How to Carrie

To be a columnist or to not be a columnist, that seems to be the question that is going on in my head right now. You see the University newspaper is hiring columnists and cartoonists. Yes, you did read that correctly, hiring! I saw that and just about sh*t myself. I mean I can get paid for writing about my opinion to about 4000+ people across this city! That's huge! It's something I've always wanted to do! I mean, sure my blog is nice, but the viewership I could be getting if I was a columnist, that would be amazing! Or I hope it would be.

You see from a very young age I always wanted to write stuff people would read. I even remember watching “Sex and the City,” (cliché I know, and out of order so I had no clue what was going on!) and I loved what Carrie did. I've never told anyone but I wanted to be like Carrie when I grew up. Living the “posh” life in New York, having lots of clothes, close friends, and parties galore! I wanted to write about it all.

I wanted to have a column where people would go and send me fan mail and get me noticed just enough to write a book (or maybe a couple). All I knew was that I wanted to be a writer just like her.

Maybe I was meant to see this, it was a sign from the all knowing universe that has been kicking my butt lately. I would like to believe so, anyways.

However, if I got this opportunity, I could give them a more diverse view on things. Being gay and growing up in Montana, you learn how to get a different view on things and find others with the same views. Because of that I have a very diverse group of people I know all around the city, that could give me inspiration and ideas to write about as well as getting a different audience as well. I can also help with giving more information about the LGBT community and events coming up. I think on this campus it's important to get this diverse voice out there for people to read and collect.

So see, I feel like I'm perfect for this opportunity. Or at least I would like to think I am...

Also... why are there so many attractive people on this campus? (I think that though is for another blog...)

XX

JW

An Internal Monologue

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”

~Albert Einstein

I think I am going insane.
I know, I know. I have said this many times before, but I finally think it's true.
I am going completely insane. Soon my sentences will be unbarable to even look at or write.
I don't know why I'm writing this either.
I don't know what to blame my loss of sanity on either, because we all know that you don't just go insane. That would be silly.
I want to say I blame the drugs... maybe the alcohol... or maybe it's the stress of school and friends and trying to find a job.
Maybe it's my family. Or the lack there of.
Maybe it's my mind that's broken, or this stupid book that is getting to me.
Could it be the music? CocoRosie might not be sane music, but it shouldn't drive me insane should it?
I can't stop thinking and it's scaring me. All I do now is think, think, think.
Sometimes I think I don't have any friends, sometimes I think I have too many. Other times I feel like I just need to fly away, like a flamingo. Fly away to some tropical place to get my thoughts straightened out, cause isn't that what the commercials tell us to do?
Maybe it's the fucking media?
They are everywhere.
Who knows, it could be my roommate.
Can anyone listen? Will you understand?
They never understand. It's me against the world, because that's what I'm meant to believe due to the media.
Fucking media.
I am going insane, I know it. Look at this blog post? Have you not seen anything more none sane?
I cry a lot now. I don't know why. I can't help it.
I can't sleep a lot now either. I don't know why. I just don't.
I wish I had motivation, but I don't.
I wonder what's wrong with me.
Oh yeah... I'm going insane.

XX

Finding _________ (Marble House)

“The moment we believe that we have never met
Another kind of love it's easy to forget
When we are all alone then we do both agree
We have a thing in common this was meant to be...”

~The Knife- “Marble House”

One of the saddest realities that we all have to face at sometime in our lives if the fact that we can find someone and see them for a total of an hour and know that you will never see them again. You can hope and wish and pray to see them again, but then in sneaks the depressing reality that you will never see them again. You tell your friends, they tell you that you never know that if you will never see them again. You know, though. You know.

What is the worst part is that you can stop thinking about that person you met for a mere hour. That person who seemed to just make a big impression in your mind and you aren't quite sure how. It gets into your brain and wiggles its way into your head and dies in there. Stinking up your life and you can't help but always come back to the thought, well if I only would've just talked with them, if only I did take his friends advice and hooked up with him... If only...

It's the only thing that can go through your mind and you beat yourself up over all of it. It gets to the point where you are having dreams about this person and you don't even know them, yet you can't help any of it. In your dreams you are trying to find them and get them to notice you but you can't, or they won't. You get a friend with you to drive you around the busy streets of downtown, but still no luck. You travel to strange night clubs, music filling your veins as you get drunk off of the touch of a lonely girl in the corner. You search in this wonderland of sorts. Nothing still.

The only hope you have now is that maybe one day you will see them again and maybe something will happen.

Until then... you keep on living. Or try to.

XX
JW

The Stress of Being a Wallflower

I thought things were going better. That is until yesterday night, I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and for some reason I knew what this book was about and it saddened me. I can't explain what I felt at that moment to tell me how I understood the book right in that section but I just did. For some unexplainable reason.

I've never had friends I could make mix tapes for. I've never been apart of something grand like Charlie has. There are only a few people that have made me feel that way. Otherwise I am a wallflower amongst “wallflowers.” I am by myself and I can accept that... I think.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I think I understand why my “friend” group is so divided and so hateful towards each other behind each others backs. No one listens. All they do is talk and they don't stop when it's important stuff, because now that they were told the burden of someone else, for some reason they feel that they now have that burden apart of them, even though it's not, and they need to share it with someone else.

Our information that we think is staying between one to two people is getting thrown around and used by each other like a very confused prostitute.

We think we can share things in confidence and not have that person tell anyone, because when you trust someone that's how it is supposed to go. It's when that trust is broken that you don't know who to turn to so all of the stress comes crashing down on you and you end up at the side of bridge, looking at how the water is calling your name so seductively.

What's even worse though, is that you know that they are talking about you after you show them that you are even just a slightly bit pissed. They talk about why you shouldn't be pissed and say some half way rude things because that is how it goes.

I want my friends to read this and know because it's my turn to talk.

It's my turn to express myself and not be the bystander that has to hear all of your crap about everyone else!

I know this all seems a bit angry, and it's probably not good that I'm writing this in a very angry mood but it needs to be said.

So to all my friends, if you read this, you know who you are, get over yourselves and start thinking about others, or your so called friends. Because when you only do the talking, and a lot of you do, it's hard for others who are dealing with the same thing to help you! And right now I'm done with helping because I'm not getting any reciprocation from a lot of you.

I need my voice to be heard too.

I know this sounds needy but I feel like I don't talk enough about me to my friends group. It seems to be always what's their problems and I'm tired. I can't do it anymore and I'm weeping while I type this because I can't.

I can't be there when you won't be there. And I know most of you are like, no I'm here for you I was there for you. But were you really? Think about it. “Be a filter, not a sponge.”

XX

JW

First Day of My Life

“When a man won't listen to his
conscience, it's usually because he doesn't want advice from a total
stranger.”
~Lindsey Stewart

Sometimes your whole world can change
with one conversation with a total stranger. Sometimes that stranger
doesn't need to do anything, sometimes what that stranger says can
bring you peace to something that refuses to diminish inside of you.
Sometimes a stranger is all you need in your life, even if it's for a
brief period of time.

We are all on a journey. A journey of
self discovery where you get to find out who you are as a person.
Along the way you hit some bumps and get lost or stray away from
where you want to go. There can even come a time where you seem like
you are going in one direction and you end up right where you began.

Say you are on a street taking a walk
and you come up to a corner and you have to choose left or right, you
choose right. Then you come to another turn and you choose right
again then one more time and you end up right back where you started.
You go again and keep choosing right and each time you end up back at
that same spot.

It's at that point where that stranger
comes into your life and you tell them why you keep choosing right.
Soon it becomes apparent, they talk to you some more and convince you
to maybe go... left? You go left. It's a whole new journey from
there, and only you will see where it takes you. Then you it's pretty
soon you are going on your own and you are exploring new places, new
faces, you are trying new things.

It's that little amount of time you
talked with that stranger that has helped you choose a different
direction that got you to where you are today or later in life.
However, sometimes that stranger needs to become a friend, by seeing
them a couple times more, but soon you are off on your own and you
are doing wonderful.

My point in all of this is that
strangers are here to help you. A person to talk to and give you
their ideas of what you just told them. You need someone to
reciprocate what you just said back to you without it being clouded
with judgment that you might get from a friend or a family member.

It's just crazy how much of an impact
that one stranger can do in your life to make you see the light in
everything, whether it be helping you learn from your mistakes or
helping you find the light in your future. Don't take them for
granted.

Because everyone needs a little help
from a stranger.

XX
JW