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Just relax and breathe...

It's a College Life...

As Summer is quickly approaching, some of the world is graduating from high school and they are going to be so glad to be out of that place. A lot of them are getting ready for college, where they expect a lot of things to go down, including: parties, new friends, hot guys/girls, boy/girlfriends, drugs, drinking, getting good grades, clubs, foot ball games, being able to go to most raves, buying cigarettes. They have this preconceived notion that college is going to be wonderful and great!

Don't get me wrong, college is wonderful and great, but it's nothing as the movies depict it! So in honor of all my friends (and/or readers) who have just graduated, or are going to graduate next year from high school, here is a short list of what to expect in college. Some Do's and Do Not's etc.

Let's get started....

Do: Go out and have fun! College is not only about furthering your education to get a kick ass job and lots of money in the future, but also a place for you to grow. So don't be stuck inside your dorm room all the time studying away. Get out and go experience life! Go to a house party occasionally, go on random adventures with friends around town, explore your sexuality (but be safe), and let loose. The reason why you don't pick the hard classes your first two years is so that you can do all this and then get it out of the way.

 

Don't: Go out all the time! Yes, there is a point when going out and drinking and partying can really mess you up. Take it from me. Personal freaking experience, and it does not end pretty. If you do this, it is likely you won't get up for classes or just won't simply go. You can fall into a nasty habit of skipping out since you can. It will catch up with you and you will be kicking yourself afterwords.

 

Do: Skip class once and a while. Now, I know most people are like, 'Oh My God! Don't do that, don't listen to him! That's terrible! Go to all your classes and you'll get good grades!' Let's be honest though, sometimes you need to just have a mental health day. Thankfully in College you can take those! Maybe there is just a day that just feels off and you need to just go out with friends and shop, have coffee, or just stay in bed all day after a crazy party. Do it! You are allowed to! Just note that you know you can get homework or whatever you missed from a friend or a really nice classmate. If you can afford to skip a class or classes, do it! It helps out with stress too.

 

Don't: Skip class a lot! After skipping a class or two you get caught in this rut. Again, trust me... It gets to a point where you just end up not going anymore. Like above, it will have you kicking yourself in the end. Keep your priorities straight. If you know that you can't skip a class then don't! And whatever you do, never, never, never skip a class where attendance counts. Unless you are sick or have an emergency.

 

Don't: Become a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl.' That's right you heard me. Now you maybe wondering, what is a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl?' You see, this last year in one of the dorms we had this one hall (The second floor of Duniway) that was a girls hall, and let me tell you. Most of them Capital T-rashy. (Now not all of them, just a lot.) So what does being a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl' entail? Puking in the halls, sinks, urinals, and/or water fountains (there is a toilet to help you with that, or a trashcan.) Peeing/defecating of any sort on the walls or in the hallway. Getting drunk before 9:00pm. Having many guys come back with you to your room in one night or just having lots of guys go to your room through the year (for obvious reasons,) because we all know what you are doing. Yelling to your friends and not friends in the halls, rooms, etc.

Now you might be a guy reading this and are probably like, 'Well I'm a guy, I can't be a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl!'' False! Guys are just as apt to be a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl' just as much as girls!

 

Do: Be classy for crying out loud. No matter the situation!

 

Do: Join clubs! It's the easiest, and best, way to make new friends in college! If you are too shy to talk to other kids in your class, join an interest group that they have on campus! It's free, fun way to meet people. Plus, you are usually forced to introduce yourself and answer some weird question so people can get to know you. Go at the beginning of the year, because that way you get stronger bonds for the rest of the year.

 

Do: Be open minded! There is nothing worse than a close-minded individual in college who will not open up. They come off as being rude and really insecure. Remember, there are so many different kinds of people out there in the world! Open your mind, even if you are really nervous about doing so. This is a time for you to grow and find yourself. You are starting on a clean slate to form your own ideas for your new lifestyle!

 

Don't: Spend all your refund money (if you get some) on crap! Put almost all of it away for something more important, like I don't know, student loans in the future! Put most of it away in a savings every semester and it'll collect interest, that way you can save up for an apartment, and other necessities for life in the real world. Keep some though in your pocket for some fun spending money but don't spend all of it at once!

 

Do: GO TO A DRAG SHOW! I don't care if you are straight, most people are at a Drag Show! They are great fun and usually really cheap! Also it's great place to go with girls or friends, because not only do you get to see some fierce bitches perform and get a whole new experience out of it, but also there is usually dancing after. It's great cause if you are in a place like Zoo, where they don't have any dance clubs, it's a great opportunity to go out and dance! Also, girls, it's a great way to not get hit on by a bunch of douche-bags like at most shows. And fellas, if you are out or closeted, it's a great way to get in touch with the gay scene and hello! Cute boys! 

• If it will be your first time at a drag show, here is a blog with some tips and pointers for you virgins. Virgins Click Here, Please.

Do: Join in events in your community and that are put on by the college. This is a great way to get to know the area and feel more like a local. Most people are all like, that is such a 'tourist' thing to do, but to be honest you get to meet some great locals. Also you learn a lot about the area and there is always amazing things to see like art shows, parties, and you can get invited to some really awesome stuff!

Do: BE SAFE!!! Use common sense! Just be safe whether it be going out or having sex. Even walking around campus at night! Just be safe and use your head!

So those are just a few tips and pointers I have for your college experience. I know I should post this more for when college actually comes around, but I thought I'd give you a taste of what you should do so you can adjust during the summer. Just remember, college is a place where you are going to explore your life. Your first year is usually really bad when it comes to balancing social life and school, but if you just go into it with no regrets, you will grow so much! Trust me on this.

XX

JW

Wide Awake

“Falling from cloud 9,

Crashing from the high,

I'm letting go tonight.

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9.

I'm wide awake.”

~Katy Perry 'Wide Awake'

Summer has now begun, and we will go on with our lives as if the past year has never happened. As if it was just another year in our lives that came and went. However, for many of us, we are still stuck in that year. Stuck in the memories of feeling truly happy because of friends and experiences that made our lives feel great, even if it was for a brief moment. That is where I'm stuck. I know that is where a lot of others are stuck as well.

Coming back to a place you used to call home isn't the same. It is the old and you feeling you are only taking giant steps back from where you were in your life. That's what happened when I first walked in through my door of my small smurf blue house. I looked at the peeling paint of the white door, the old wooden steps painted hunter green, and I knew that I didn't actually want to be here. The first couple of days were great, but then I noticed something.

I am alone here. I would like to say I'm not, that I still have old friends but the truth is, I've moved on and so have they. I don't feel the same around them, I knew that when I came back for winter break. I have grown in a new direction and they are starting to as well. It makes me want to cry to be honest. It has made me cry, actually.

I am not the same person I was when I first left this little tourist town. I am a new me, and it's hard coming back here and not having the same things as I did in Zoo. There aren't parties to go get trashed at, there are no friends to go on random adventures with, there aren't any cute boys to flirt with (well, if there is they are in high school or straight, or both.)

However, the thing that I'm realizing, no matter how alone I will feel this summer, I have to make it up to myself to give myself a really good summer. Even if I am alone for half or a majority of it. It's exactly what is being stated in the quote from the song by Katy Perry. She is 'falling from cloud 9', but she is waking up to the life around her. That is what I have to do. That is what we all have to do if we are stuck in this place.

So I decided, if I can be in the Zoo, I will bring the Zoo to me! I mean, I feel like I fit in enough there anyways, and I never fit in here at home. So I will bring my A game here and I will stop feeling sorry for myself. I might be alone but the one thing I still have is my sense of adventure and imagination, and if that's all I can get this summer... I will rock the shit out of it.

So with that I want you to expect a whole lot of blogs this summer. Blogs keeping you updated in my 'gay life,' play-lists with some awesome new tracks to make your summer a little bit brighter, and whatever else my little head can think of. I will be using the best of what I have to at least make something of my summer! And if that means to become a great blogger and hopefully getting more readership, then so be it!

I am wide awake, and I'm ready for summer 2012 to begin... I just hope it's ready for me ;)

XX

JW

Welcome Home

“He nods, as if to acknowledge that endings are almost always a little sad, even when there is something to look forward to on the other side.”

~Emily Griffin, Love the One You're with

It's weird to be writing this right now. To know soon that everyone will be on their seperate ways. Some of us going back to our little houses back home in the towns where we grew up. Some moving into different small towns to find new beginnings for their selves—to do right for themselves once and for all. While others settle down in their new surroundings in the same place, with old friends and new friends to come.

I say it feels weird because it feels like this whole time went by so fast. It also went very slow as well. I am getting a weird feeling because I know that next year, when I return, same as ever or drastically changed, I will not be seeing the same people I have in the past year. This is our season finale, and I don't know how it's going to end yet since it hasn't happened. All I do know though is that the ride that I have had with the people here in this town has forever changed the way I will ever look at not only the world but myself.

I know that all sounds super super cliché, but it's very true. I haven't felt this variety of emotions so fast ever in my life. It was like all the emotions I ever felt through my life back home were all here and I was feeling all of them at a very small amount of time. I know I am not alone in this, but I can say if it weren't for half the people here, I don't know where I'd be.

I experienced my first everything here. My first time with Molly, my first acid trip, my first drunk black out, my first time having sex, my first time feeling like I had friends, my first time watching some ridiculous movies, my first time smoking pot, my first time going to a rave. I could go on and on, but I don't think I will bore you with the details.

However, if there is one thing I can take away from all of this, it's knowing that I am slowly finding out who I am and that I will never know where my road is going to take me. I could be stumbling down the road drunk with friends laughing, or in my bed crying over some douche bag of a guy. I do know that the future holds a huge freaking torch compared to the candle that was burning at the end of this year.

I am sad that I will not be seeing certain people after I leave, and but I know that everything really does happen for a reason. One of the only other things I learned with all of these wonderful people and this amazing place. Whether our paths cross again or not, everyone I have met here, has a special place in my heart, no matter what happens.

To sum this up, I'm going to say somethings to some people that need to be said:

Kat: You and I have gone through our differences. Our weird ups and downs, but over all, you and I have had a kick-ass time from our trips to Mordor to our trips up to South Hills to just over look the city and talk. I want you to know, no matter how much you talking about sunshine annoyed me, I loved that you could talk to me and I want you to know, even though you aren't coming back next year, I will always cherish our memories. Keep in contact Chola!

Nick: You had a rough time here, but every time I saw you and we were hanging with everyone, you always had a smile on your face and was looking towards the best. I applaud you for that. I want you to know I was glad you opened up to me while you were drunk that Sunday night at Mikes Memorial service. I'm only sad that I won't be able to talk with you more about stuff and I hope you know that you will always have friends here in Montana.

Mike: I know, I know, you are gone and this is weird to talk to someone you isn't living anymore in a blog post but dude, I love you. Stay peaceful up there and I miss the freaking crap out of you! Please watch over everyone as the year ends and make sure everyone is okay. I know you will but it's the only thing I ask of you know.

Keegan: You my friend, or ex-friend or whatever you wanna call our relationship, have been an amazing friend. From the first time I met you in Jake's garage to our very fun Valentine's day and everything between and after that. I'm only sad that we don't talk anymore and I know it will never be the same between us again, but I want you to know I have only respect for you. And a little annoyance, but hey, I'm sure I was the same way to you. Know that just because things didn't work out with a lot of us this year, that there will be others to show you the way and to comfort you like how we tried. You are never alone even if it seems like it. There is always someone that knows what you are going through and if you ever just want to talk, call me bro.

Sydney: I know we aren't as good of friends anymore as we were at the beginning of the year, but I will never forget you. Your sex humor and constant horny-ness always made my day. I know we had a bad falling out but maybe someday we can be friends again. If not, that's okay, but I want you to know that I do love you boo, and I always will!

Josh: Let's be honest, you were my first time and I know that's a lot of information to be putting in a blog but it needs to happen. You probably will never see this but that's okay. I'm sorry that I was never there for you before or after. I guess I was just young and immature. It's only an excuse I know but I didn't want to get close to you for some reason. I didn't want my heart to break so I used you then left. I'm really not that type of person but hey, it happened. I'm sorry that you have been going through so much and that I was never there for when you needed to talk. I hope life looks up for you later on in the year. Stay amazing.

There are a bunch of other people I want to talk to in this blog but it's not the time nor place for that or them. They don't belong here like these people do. Even if they don't ever read this or see this, at least it's out there for them to see and to think about.

This year is about over and we are all packing and busy with finals, but I know that even after we all leave, we will never forget the love we all have for each other. That is what keeps me living this life day by day. Knowing that I have people out there that really do care for me.

In the words of crazy and wise fiction writer Chuck Palahniuk (or Chucky P.) “The feeling is less like an ending than just another starting point.”

That's exactly what all of this is. It's not the end of the year or of friendships, but the starting point of new ones to enter and the others to continue. It's the starting point of new challenges for us all and you just have to look through to the end and know that no matter what, everything will be okay, even if it doesn't feel that way.

XX

JW

Fake it to make it...

It's hard to act happy when you're not.
But I feel like I had so much practice, I've got it down.
Sometimes you just have to fake it to make it, it's the only thing you can do, because sometimes you need to help the others around you.
It's what it all comes down to, I need to make sure everything else is taken care of... then I can rest...
Until then, I will continue to paste on my happy face in the morning, or just not see them so they never know...

XX
JW

Jagged Little Pill

“I hope it is true that a man can die and yet not only live in others but give them life, and not only life, but that great consciousness of life.”

~Jack Kerouac

It's weird to know exactly what I am going to write about. Usually it's 'C'mon Jerry, think think think think!' It's never just do. That was until Wednesday. My thoughts haven't stopped, not even the marijuana and booze calmed them down. I then realized that maybe that wasn't the way to go about things. Don't drown yourself in the things that possibly destroyed the life that you are mourning. I couldn't help it.

Wednesday I got drunk. The sweet taste of the Captain on my tongue, sliding down my throat and warming the insides of my body. I was lost. We all were and I could tell that I wasn't the only one feeling it, even if no one else said it. I wanted to cry, I could feel it coming but no tears would moisten my eyes. Instead I looked straight at the washed out curtains hiding the sad face of the window. Had this all really happened? Was this all a dream?

My thoughts wouldn't stop, I didn't know what to do. So I drank, but not even the company of friends pleased me at that moment. All I wanted right then was to be with him, Mike. I wanted to be talking with him right then about how I was lost and that I needed to find my way but I didn't know how. I wanted to tell him thank you for listening to me while I babbled on about boys, drugs, sex, and drama.

I could hear his gentle voice, which contrasted with his tough looking exterior.

“Don't worry Jerry,” he would say, his goofy smile across his face. “You need another shot is what you need.”

Then I would proceed to take another one and possibly one more with him. Instead I was taking a shot for him, not with him. It was simple to see that no one wanted to really be there, yet we all couldn't be alone, even though we didn't know what to think about the whole situation.

I could still remember gasping for breath in the UC as I clicked a picture of Mike on Facebook. It lead me to his page which was flooded with wall posts by people from Bozeman. I had read them all about three or four times to think, Oh my god, this isn't just a hardcore “trolling” scheme. Mike is... dead.

I made frantic phone calls, each time hearing the same response. Silence. It was the one thing I didn't want to hear at that point in time. I wanted to hear their voices to know that it wasn't real, I wanted them to tell me, no he is fine I'm talking with him now. It wasn't the case. All I heard was the agonizing and dreaded silence of my friends who wanted to the same fake response as me.

Through-out the night, none of us could believe someone so close to us was gone. I was looking at it now from the other side. It brought to light all the things I was feeling before, but in a different perspective, a new side of things that I hadn't experienced before.

As I drank, I sat and watched, much like the wallflower that I am. It was easy, but hard to do. Watch as these people argued about suicide, getting more drunk so they could mask their sorrows. No one was going to cry in front of each other. We all had to be strong and be there when the next person needed us; we didn't want a repeat to happen.

I watched and saw how my friends were acting to such depressing news and I wanted to yell at all of them to just stop and be quiet. I wanted to tell them to stop being angry at Mike. It brought me back to that numbingly cold night on the bridge, where I was faced with two decisions: End my life and feel happier, or continue my life for my friends.

I wondered that on the old orange couch that looked like it was from a bad '70s television show. Did Mike feel like he had to choose? Did that bring him down further? Did he even actually kill himself? Questions went through my head and I got on to the different possibilities.

If he did kill himself, I know that he knew what he was doing. By taking mass amounts of pills, he would think it was poetic. Ending his life with the very thing he was once addicted to; giving into the succumb of his addictions and loosing himself in them. He was a rational thinker. Just like me that night on the bridge.

No matter how angry it made my friends, or how selfish it made me seem, I was perfectly rational in my decision to end my life that night. I wasn't crazy, I wasn't psychotic, I didn't want to be hooked on prescriptions for the rest of my life. I knew exactly what my intent on jumping from the bridge, and it wasn't to hurt myself, my friends or family. Ending my life would make me happy once and for all.

The thing is, I could see Mike doing it for that reason, he was always rationally thinking. About everything. He was always somehow still him, still raw, still a big ball of emotions that made sure everyone was alright. He wasn't happy, never really happy. You could always tell, especially with nights when he started drinking a lot or doing a bunch of club drugs.

I couldn't help but think about how the tables were turned, how things actually went after this because I never have been through it. Wednesday night was a new experience that made me look over my life, my decisions, the people I called my friends. We all had a ton of unresolved issues Wednesday night.

It wasn't until stumbling back to my dorm, feeling the warmth of the Captain still in me, not leaving my stomach any time soon, that it hit me. Mike was gone, and he wasn't just gone on a visit to someplace, I would never see him again. I wouldn't be able to talk about my sexuality with someone like I could with him, I would never see that goofy drunk smile again, I would never be able to hear his honest opinion on things. He was gone forever. No coming back.

I stopped, a tear rolled down my cheek followed by a dam of water pouring down my face. I wanted to scream but I didn't want to scare someone on accident. I wanted to yell and be angry my voice stuck. I couldn't help but be jealous. I needed to talk to Mike and tell him what I was thinking. In that walk of tears I confessed my heart to Mike. I told him how I needed him to help me through this, I needed to know that he was truly alright and happy.

It was right after I asked for some sign to show me that he was alright that in the silence of my walk back to my dorm that I heard a single bird chirp. Now, however cheesy that seems, but after reading 'Buckeyes' that I finally understood the ending of it. No matter how cliché it was, it was true. The narrator of that book knew that the hawk was his father. It was that moment when that single bird was chirping that I knew, I knew that it was Mike. He was telling me that he was okay and that things would be fine.

I woke up the next morning with the worst hangover in the world, but strangely I felt relieved. I didn't feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness for the loss of my good friend, but rather a sense of refreshment for him.

However, while I felt better about things, Sunday night rolled around. Our day for our own personal memorial service and get together. By seven that night about everyone showed up. Fitting just about twenty people into Devan's little house was enough to make us all go a little crazy.

The night though, which I stressed to everyone, was about Mike. It was not ourselves and not our drama between each other. It was our time to put away our differences and come together for Mike and we did.

It was good for everyone, to see each others feelings, to see that we could all put aside our differences just for that time being. We shared our stories about Mike, how we all thought he was one of the purest person in our group of friends, mostly because he would tell you his honest opinion and not care about how you felt about it.

“He gave his whole heart when you only gave part of yours.” Kat spoke up.

It was true and we all took a moment after that to gather our thoughts and to let it all sink in. Of course the night ended in drunken tears and beautiful memories clouded in guava flavored smoke. It was at that point where I think most of us got closure of Mike's passing.

I see now, the other side of all of this. If I would have gone that fateful night at the bridge, maybe Mike might have saved himself. Maybe he would still be alive today and that would be what matters the most. Everyone was right, Mike had the most pure and beautiful soul I've ever known. He always helped people, no matter what, and I feel like I should have talked to him more after he left. I know it's no one's fault but now I know I can't leave my friends right now. I have to help them through this and if there is one thing Mike taught me, it was to help your friends and fake it till you make it. It is now that I also understood what Jack Kerouac said about a man living on in us after he dies, because there is no doubt that Mike is in all of us right now, giving us the courage to bring ourselves out more, even if it is in a purple tele-tubby suit, riding a skate board and smoking a cigarette while trying to pick up chicks like him. No matter what it is, Mike will always be with us and is giving us the consciousness of life.