Sunday, March 25, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
About A Boy
“A man the world over in
search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”
~George Moore
I can sit here, in the
University Center; the green plants surrounding me, the glass roof
pouring in the moonlight on to every open surface, Antony and the
Johnson’s serenading me while I watch the lives pass by me. I
wonder what it means to be here, to be living in existence, and I
know that may sound really ridiculous of me and really far fetched
Idea and you all might be asking, 'Is he smoking something?'
The answer to the last one
is no.
However, ever since last
Tuesday night I have just been questioning on where I'm going with my
life. You all have read the previous blogs, where I say that I have
my plans for New York and blah blah blah. But my question is, what is
happening with life right now?
Okay, so let's head back to
Friday shall we? Friday night when I felt the cool breeze on my
face as I listened to a very intellegant curly haired friend of mine
go on about boys, friends and just life. It wasn't until we passed
something that has made the biggest impact in my life, and we sat
down and talked.
We talked and it all made
sense.
I didn't think I could talk
about what I was feeling and people want me to go to the Health
Center on Campus to talk to someone.
But how does one even begin
to talk about their problems to a complete stranger who probably has
no clue what I'm going through?
Luckily I had this very special person in my life who seemed to
be the first (and right now, only)
person who is understanding what I am going through? And she told me
a very beautiful story about a young girl who felt the same way and
did the same thing, but then talked to a very beautiful boy and he
helped her figure it out. He helped her figure out what she was
feeling.
He told her, “I want to know
where my life is going to go. It might be tough now, but the only
thing that is keeping me here, is the question about where I'm going
to go and if it's gone, I will never know.”
It all made sense. In those few
moments that I was standing there that Tuesday night, the wind
whistling past my ears, all I could hear was, “Where is my life
going?” It was going no where at that moment, and it still hasn't,
but how do I know that it won't go somewhere else?
She was the only one to give me
what I really needed that night. Space and time to think. While
everyone else crowded with their cheeks flushed, eyes puffy, telling
me I was selfish. What
none of them knew was that I could not explain what was going on.
“You are rational. You would
only do something like that for a reason, and people don't see that,”
She told me. “Nobody saw that and I knew because I had been through
this before.”
So this is not a story of a boy
who wanted the world to end. Who wanted to leave the ones he left
behind. This is not a story about a manic or a teen full of angst,
where everything spirals out of control in the end.
No.
This is a story of a lost boy
who can't find his way back on to his path, and he is searching. He
is searching with the help of the currents of his life, the deer
behind him, picking him up if he falls and staying closely behind but
not too far. Nor too close.
There isn't an end to this
story.
It just hurts, that's all.
“Everything was
beautiful and nothing hurt.”
~Kurt Vonnegut
XX
JW
search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”
~George Moore
I can sit here, in the
University Center; the green plants surrounding me, the glass roof
pouring in the moonlight on to every open surface, Antony and the
Johnson’s serenading me while I watch the lives pass by me. I
wonder what it means to be here, to be living in existence, and I
know that may sound really ridiculous of me and really far fetched
Idea and you all might be asking, 'Is he smoking something?'
The answer to the last one
is no.
However, ever since last
Tuesday night I have just been questioning on where I'm going with my
life. You all have read the previous blogs, where I say that I have
my plans for New York and blah blah blah. But my question is, what is
happening with life right now?
Okay, so let's head back to
Friday shall we? Friday night when I felt the cool breeze on my
face as I listened to a very intellegant curly haired friend of mine
go on about boys, friends and just life. It wasn't until we passed
something that has made the biggest impact in my life, and we sat
down and talked.
We talked and it all made
sense.
I didn't think I could talk
about what I was feeling and people want me to go to the Health
Center on Campus to talk to someone.
But how does one even begin
to talk about their problems to a complete stranger who probably has
no clue what I'm going through?
Luckily I had this very special person in my life who seemed to
be the first (and right now, only)
person who is understanding what I am going through? And she told me
a very beautiful story about a young girl who felt the same way and
did the same thing, but then talked to a very beautiful boy and he
helped her figure it out. He helped her figure out what she was
feeling.
He told her, “I want to know
where my life is going to go. It might be tough now, but the only
thing that is keeping me here, is the question about where I'm going
to go and if it's gone, I will never know.”
It all made sense. In those few
moments that I was standing there that Tuesday night, the wind
whistling past my ears, all I could hear was, “Where is my life
going?” It was going no where at that moment, and it still hasn't,
but how do I know that it won't go somewhere else?
She was the only one to give me
what I really needed that night. Space and time to think. While
everyone else crowded with their cheeks flushed, eyes puffy, telling
me I was selfish. What
none of them knew was that I could not explain what was going on.
“You are rational. You would
only do something like that for a reason, and people don't see that,”
She told me. “Nobody saw that and I knew because I had been through
this before.”
So this is not a story of a boy
who wanted the world to end. Who wanted to leave the ones he left
behind. This is not a story about a manic or a teen full of angst,
where everything spirals out of control in the end.
No.
This is a story of a lost boy
who can't find his way back on to his path, and he is searching. He
is searching with the help of the currents of his life, the deer
behind him, picking him up if he falls and staying closely behind but
not too far. Nor too close.
There isn't an end to this
story.
It just hurts, that's all.
“Everything was
beautiful and nothing hurt.”
~Kurt Vonnegut
XX
JW
Monday, March 19, 2012
Time: Wasted.
Time is not affected when you are stuck
in your own mind. It's as if you wake up in a bad dream where all the
clocks are smashed, crushed. Kind of how you feel about your dreams.
Clocks may even run backward to bring you back to a relenting past
that you didn't want to remember. However, in this weird state of
what seems like limbo, you can't control it. Watch as the
hallucinations come over you and your eyes submerge into the waters
of your body.
This week has been a very tough one.
So much so that I can't explain it to you, besides the fact that it
seems like it has been one of the longest weeks in my entire life. A
week where I have felt like I was in pure hell. A hell that no one
should ever have to go through and no one should experience but I
know that there are other people that do.
From this week there is one thing that
I have learned, that you there is always somewhere there, whether
they may not be there in person, but there is always someone there.
You are never alone, no matter how alone you may feel one moment.
Even if you can't find someone right away, there is always someone.
I know all of this may seem really
redundant but I don't think that people understand this. Not even I.
After this week I still feel the same way, but I know that at least I
have some people I can look to to help me through these dark times
that seem to be ahead of me. Don't forget your friends are always
there for you.
So much love to you all.
XX
JW
in your own mind. It's as if you wake up in a bad dream where all the
clocks are smashed, crushed. Kind of how you feel about your dreams.
Clocks may even run backward to bring you back to a relenting past
that you didn't want to remember. However, in this weird state of
what seems like limbo, you can't control it. Watch as the
hallucinations come over you and your eyes submerge into the waters
of your body.
This week has been a very tough one.
So much so that I can't explain it to you, besides the fact that it
seems like it has been one of the longest weeks in my entire life. A
week where I have felt like I was in pure hell. A hell that no one
should ever have to go through and no one should experience but I
know that there are other people that do.
From this week there is one thing that
I have learned, that you there is always somewhere there, whether
they may not be there in person, but there is always someone there.
You are never alone, no matter how alone you may feel one moment.
Even if you can't find someone right away, there is always someone.
I know all of this may seem really
redundant but I don't think that people understand this. Not even I.
After this week I still feel the same way, but I know that at least I
have some people I can look to to help me through these dark times
that seem to be ahead of me. Don't forget your friends are always
there for you.
So much love to you all.
XX
JW
Friday, March 16, 2012
The Reconstruction Era
“Because our fight has been for such a long time we are isolated from the world, even after reconstruction we don't have much attention from people outside.”
~Hanoi Hannah
The Reconstruction era has begun. Life seems to be moving on a normal track for everyone at last. However, I have never felt so divided before in my life. While everyone is continuing on with moving forward in their life, I feel like I was left behind. New roommates, friends, and times are ahead but I'm still stuck in the past, trying to figure out where my next steps are. I'm still lost.
Worst of all, I feel forgotten by the group. I was just a pawn in the group and watched as we all fell under the water in a battle of life and friendship. Now that everyone seems to have moved on to newer and better things I am left in the dust, wondering where is there to go? However, I feel like time away from the group is the best right now.
While they are getting along with their lives and changing their views, I am sitting here deciding what I am going to do with my life. Right now the only option is to leave.
And leave I will do.
My time with the group and everyone is over. My adventure here in Montana has come to a halt and now my life will halt with it until my next move. In which happens to be moving to New York to go to school at The New School for a major in Fashion Studies and minor in Media Arts of some sort. The difficult part of all of it is the fact of coming up with about forty-three thousand dollars to go, along with expenses for getting over there.
It's where my future lies, I can tell. It's just a matter of getting over there that is the difficult part. The worst part too. It's so hard to live in a place where you feel like you never were and never can be truly happy. It's like a dark force that grips your neck, ringing you as it drags you to the depths of the shadows. I know once I'm out of here my life will be a lot happier and a lot better.
Sometimes you have to do what makes you happiest before you put anyone else before you, and for me, sometimes that is the hardest part. I will hate to leave my friends and I will be so sad when I do leave but I know, that over all, I will be happy and be in a much better place.
Until then, the Reconstruction Era will continue until we settle into the Industrialization period, which I have a feeling won't be too far away for everyone.
Until next time...
XX
JW
~Hanoi Hannah
The Reconstruction era has begun. Life seems to be moving on a normal track for everyone at last. However, I have never felt so divided before in my life. While everyone is continuing on with moving forward in their life, I feel like I was left behind. New roommates, friends, and times are ahead but I'm still stuck in the past, trying to figure out where my next steps are. I'm still lost.
Worst of all, I feel forgotten by the group. I was just a pawn in the group and watched as we all fell under the water in a battle of life and friendship. Now that everyone seems to have moved on to newer and better things I am left in the dust, wondering where is there to go? However, I feel like time away from the group is the best right now.
While they are getting along with their lives and changing their views, I am sitting here deciding what I am going to do with my life. Right now the only option is to leave.
And leave I will do.
My time with the group and everyone is over. My adventure here in Montana has come to a halt and now my life will halt with it until my next move. In which happens to be moving to New York to go to school at The New School for a major in Fashion Studies and minor in Media Arts of some sort. The difficult part of all of it is the fact of coming up with about forty-three thousand dollars to go, along with expenses for getting over there.
It's where my future lies, I can tell. It's just a matter of getting over there that is the difficult part. The worst part too. It's so hard to live in a place where you feel like you never were and never can be truly happy. It's like a dark force that grips your neck, ringing you as it drags you to the depths of the shadows. I know once I'm out of here my life will be a lot happier and a lot better.
Sometimes you have to do what makes you happiest before you put anyone else before you, and for me, sometimes that is the hardest part. I will hate to leave my friends and I will be so sad when I do leave but I know, that over all, I will be happy and be in a much better place.
Until then, the Reconstruction Era will continue until we settle into the Industrialization period, which I have a feeling won't be too far away for everyone.
Until next time...
XX
JW
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
The War On Friends
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
~Oscar Wilde
It's been a long since I took a walk to think about the things that have been happening in my life. Lately, that has been a lot, too much to put on here. It would actually probably have to take up an entire book to fill up with everything that has happened since my last post. The thing however, that I have been thinking about the most are friends.
With current situations, things have shifted the group to taking sides, talking behind each others backs, and sometimes even getting revenge. It has also led to the tearing apart of some very important friendships. Some that were once like a flower, something that bloomed so beautifully then the care stopped and it wilted into the pile of dirt it was planted in.
It made me look at things a different way about myself and the things around me. I needed to look at things from the outside, and when I did, I was surprised to see what had happened. It was like a war had happened. A tornado of drama and the opposite force came whirling in. Soldiers took their sides, even if they didn't know what was going on or which side to go on. They all lined up, taking position with their swords and they charged across the valley. The one most important thing they all forgot was their armor.
I watched all of it happen from the stoop of a hillside. I can remember the clashing of colors, the red blood spilling from their mouths, and the sound of screams echoed off the basin of the valley. There were no dead, but close. The wounds ran deep in many and scratches covered all, as the battle ended and the sides walked away.
Even after a big battle, the war will always continue. The sad thing is, is that most of the group doesn't understand this and try to fight fire with fire. (cliché I know but it fits perfectly here if I do say so myself.)
There is a resting period in this war.
We have all lost who were are. I can see that. We are all questioning ourselves, who are we, where do we want to go, what are we supposed to do with our lives? Questions like this and more all run through our head and it's sad that no one will step back with me and look and try to take time for themselves.
If you all want the secret to a successful friendship here it is....
You won't always be friends.
Friends are here and they are your family for now, but they won't always be there. You have to depend on yourself sometimes and have to realize that shit is going to happen with each other, whether it be because of some stupid plans that went south for a birthday party.
The thing we all need to know is that if you are all friends, no one will take sides. No one.
“A true friend stabs you in the front.”
~Oscar Wilde
XX
JW
~Oscar Wilde
It's been a long since I took a walk to think about the things that have been happening in my life. Lately, that has been a lot, too much to put on here. It would actually probably have to take up an entire book to fill up with everything that has happened since my last post. The thing however, that I have been thinking about the most are friends.
With current situations, things have shifted the group to taking sides, talking behind each others backs, and sometimes even getting revenge. It has also led to the tearing apart of some very important friendships. Some that were once like a flower, something that bloomed so beautifully then the care stopped and it wilted into the pile of dirt it was planted in.
It made me look at things a different way about myself and the things around me. I needed to look at things from the outside, and when I did, I was surprised to see what had happened. It was like a war had happened. A tornado of drama and the opposite force came whirling in. Soldiers took their sides, even if they didn't know what was going on or which side to go on. They all lined up, taking position with their swords and they charged across the valley. The one most important thing they all forgot was their armor.
I watched all of it happen from the stoop of a hillside. I can remember the clashing of colors, the red blood spilling from their mouths, and the sound of screams echoed off the basin of the valley. There were no dead, but close. The wounds ran deep in many and scratches covered all, as the battle ended and the sides walked away.
Even after a big battle, the war will always continue. The sad thing is, is that most of the group doesn't understand this and try to fight fire with fire. (cliché I know but it fits perfectly here if I do say so myself.)
There is a resting period in this war.
We have all lost who were are. I can see that. We are all questioning ourselves, who are we, where do we want to go, what are we supposed to do with our lives? Questions like this and more all run through our head and it's sad that no one will step back with me and look and try to take time for themselves.
If you all want the secret to a successful friendship here it is....
You won't always be friends.
Friends are here and they are your family for now, but they won't always be there. You have to depend on yourself sometimes and have to realize that shit is going to happen with each other, whether it be because of some stupid plans that went south for a birthday party.
The thing we all need to know is that if you are all friends, no one will take sides. No one.
“A true friend stabs you in the front.”
~Oscar Wilde
XX
JW
Friday, January 6, 2012
This is My City- Happy New Year!
"Turning my memories
Hoping to find out
where all the loyalty's gone
The friends that I had then
Turned into strangers
Thinking of you all along
If you see me now
You won't see me alone..."
The Holidays are now over. It is now a new year and it's time for people to feel less lazy by re-setting their goals and making new ones, only for them to be left unaccomplished and leaving that person feeling miserable about how they didn't really accomplish anything this year and that this year sucked and they will try better next year.
However, we all know that it just goes in a cycle and what people don't really focus on is the positive things that had happened to them in the last year. They always build up the negative aspects of it all and remember them and use it against themselves. Then they take it all out on the 'year' like it did something to them, however it's the choices one makes that can make a year go terribly wrong, or delightfully good.
The past year I can tell you I have changed so much. Once being a shy young boy just moving to Polson, I matured so much in this past year. From the mid of my senior year to this very point right now. I have undergone things that I wouldn't have even excepted!
The only reason why I'm bringing this up now, is because it wasn't until I got back to my hometown on the first day, that I realized how much I have changed. I saw some old friends, old classmates, old teachers. I looked at them and I watched them. That's when I took a step back and really watched them. I listened to their stories, trying to impress me because I'm now a college kid and they are still in High School, adults were trying to talk to me like I was a grown up now, my friends didn't feel the same...
I mean that in the way that I feel like I have out grown my friends here in Polson. Not like a pair of jeans that you just throw in the back of your closet, even though that's pretty much what happened. I just now know why I did. Because they are like a pair of jeans, like your favorite pair of jeans in the whole wide world. You wear them all the time because they make you feel lucky and good, they keep you safe and you have the best of times in them. They have been through a lot with you. They have wear and tear and patched up holes etc. But then there comes that time when they become to short or maybe too tight for you, and you know, no matter how much you love them, you have to just let them go.
That's what it is like now for me. This town was a pair of jeans, my friends were a pair of jeans, my old life was a pair of jeans. No matter how much I loved them, not all the time but most of it, they just didn't feel the same when I put them back on again. I had moved on and found a new pair of jeans that made me feel even better than what the old ones did.
I can't help that I've changed in the past months since I moved to college, it happens though. I don't fit in this small town, not like I did to begin with, but I don't seem to have anything in common with my friends here anymore. They have moved on with their lives and so have I, and I have found something just as good maybe better in Missoula.
I also realized how much I hate it being here... no wonder why I was on facebook all the effing time! I seemed to have developed this new relationship with my computer and I should start calling it honey and pooh bear. It's quite amazing how boring it is here. It doesn't help that all my “friends” here are still in high school, or they are gone somewhere else for college. It doesn't leave you much to do besides sit at home alone surfing tumblr.
However, this has been a great past year! With my much needed change in surroundings, my new friends, my new life, I have been through a lot these past months, and I have loved every single bit of it. It seems like I'm working on getting closer to who I really am and where I belong in this crazy world.
Missoula is the first step, as says Momma Jade! And I believe her, it's the first step towards life as being me, and I can't wait to get more of it!
XX
JW
Hoping to find out
where all the loyalty's gone
The friends that I had then
Turned into strangers
Thinking of you all along
If you see me now
You won't see me alone..."
The Holidays are now over. It is now a new year and it's time for people to feel less lazy by re-setting their goals and making new ones, only for them to be left unaccomplished and leaving that person feeling miserable about how they didn't really accomplish anything this year and that this year sucked and they will try better next year.
However, we all know that it just goes in a cycle and what people don't really focus on is the positive things that had happened to them in the last year. They always build up the negative aspects of it all and remember them and use it against themselves. Then they take it all out on the 'year' like it did something to them, however it's the choices one makes that can make a year go terribly wrong, or delightfully good.
The past year I can tell you I have changed so much. Once being a shy young boy just moving to Polson, I matured so much in this past year. From the mid of my senior year to this very point right now. I have undergone things that I wouldn't have even excepted!
The only reason why I'm bringing this up now, is because it wasn't until I got back to my hometown on the first day, that I realized how much I have changed. I saw some old friends, old classmates, old teachers. I looked at them and I watched them. That's when I took a step back and really watched them. I listened to their stories, trying to impress me because I'm now a college kid and they are still in High School, adults were trying to talk to me like I was a grown up now, my friends didn't feel the same...
I mean that in the way that I feel like I have out grown my friends here in Polson. Not like a pair of jeans that you just throw in the back of your closet, even though that's pretty much what happened. I just now know why I did. Because they are like a pair of jeans, like your favorite pair of jeans in the whole wide world. You wear them all the time because they make you feel lucky and good, they keep you safe and you have the best of times in them. They have been through a lot with you. They have wear and tear and patched up holes etc. But then there comes that time when they become to short or maybe too tight for you, and you know, no matter how much you love them, you have to just let them go.
That's what it is like now for me. This town was a pair of jeans, my friends were a pair of jeans, my old life was a pair of jeans. No matter how much I loved them, not all the time but most of it, they just didn't feel the same when I put them back on again. I had moved on and found a new pair of jeans that made me feel even better than what the old ones did.
I can't help that I've changed in the past months since I moved to college, it happens though. I don't fit in this small town, not like I did to begin with, but I don't seem to have anything in common with my friends here anymore. They have moved on with their lives and so have I, and I have found something just as good maybe better in Missoula.
I also realized how much I hate it being here... no wonder why I was on facebook all the effing time! I seemed to have developed this new relationship with my computer and I should start calling it honey and pooh bear. It's quite amazing how boring it is here. It doesn't help that all my “friends” here are still in high school, or they are gone somewhere else for college. It doesn't leave you much to do besides sit at home alone surfing tumblr.
However, this has been a great past year! With my much needed change in surroundings, my new friends, my new life, I have been through a lot these past months, and I have loved every single bit of it. It seems like I'm working on getting closer to who I really am and where I belong in this crazy world.
Missoula is the first step, as says Momma Jade! And I believe her, it's the first step towards life as being me, and I can't wait to get more of it!
XX
JW
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