Nov 3, 2011: 5 easy steps to becoming a Porn Star!

       So for the past couple of weeks I have decided that I will become a porn star! Yes! I will star in the hottest gay porn one could ever see! However, I have an exception: It has to be classy! (Don't judge. Porn can be classy... I think...) Anyhoo. With this I decided to go with a couple of friends and research what it takes to be in porn and to make it in the porn industry. Thanks to Google and the many adult video stores here I got a glimpse of what my future is to be like when I join this multi-billion dollar industry. So here are the steps I have created to for you to get you on your way to doing porn!
       Step One: Work Out. Something that I need to get started doing again. By my intense “research” into joining the field of porn, I've noticed many of the actors are in really good shape. I mean it could be the fact that they are having sex for long periods, if not multiple times, that they are like burning a whole bunch of calories! Which is another great reason why one should consider doing porn! I mean who doesn't want that I-just-had-sex-for-like-ten-hours after glow? But seriously, you are going to want to get into good enough shape that people find you attractive, unless they have that weird “crushing” fetish like I saw on Tyra that one time... weird.
      Step Two: Be Open. Well you are joining porn so I would hope you would be open anyways, but after looking at different categories at the Adult Fantasy Video store here in town it's crazy how many things that us humans are into. For example: Abasiophilia, a fetish involving a person being attracted to and sexually aroused by an object. So don't be completely surprised when you get a job where your partner is a rocking chair. They are sexual too! Well... not really but you'll have to make it sexual! You are a modern day actor and if a rocking chair needs to be sexed up, you f*cking sex it up!
      Step Three: Have a hot porn name. Think Jenna Jameson. I mean how hot is that name? It's freeking sexual! You need to get something that is going to get arousal when people whisper it while they buy or illegally download your video! Something like Steve the Sausage Man, doesn't quite have the same appeal as Cherry Darling (yes I stole that name from Robert Rodriquez's Planet Terror, but that's because it's hot!) Also depending on your name, you could easily get into a specific category of porn! Here is a 'formula' to get your own porn star name! What you do I take the name of your childhood pet along with the name of the street you grew up on. Mine would be, Chewy 5^th Street S. I mean how sexy is that name? Obviously, by look at my name, you can tell that I'm going to be in some kinky stuff with the downstairs area! Oral is where it is at!
      Step Four: Brush up on your acting skills. I mean the whole part of porn is to just have sex on camera, but there may be some acting involved. The last thing you want to be seen as is a terrible! I mean come on, it's not like this is porn! Well.. yeah it is, but think of it as an art form! Sure your diolouge is going to be mostly filled with (moans dramatically) and (groaning as he thrusts into her). So take the only speaking lines you will have and act the sh*t out of them! You want to be good and believable for when you are in that fantasy video about being a young student getting done by her/his unrealistically hot teacher! What am I saying? There is nothing believable about porn!
      Step Five: Choose what kind of porn you want to do! Like I said above in Step Three, your name might choose where you go. However, it is up to you on what you are into... sometimes! There are so many categories of porn for one to choose from. Fetishes to fantasy porn, to so many other things! Maybe you are a horror fan! You might like horror porn parodies such as “Texas A*shole Massacre” or “Friday the 13^th a nude beginning.” Whatever you choose, expect to stay in it, because that's really the only way you will get famous.
     Lastly, be exciting! No one likes a lame lay! You are here to entertain people, in more ways than one. Come into work with a smile on your face and get ready to have some great sex! (Hopefully) But I mean you are getting money for having sex and doing it legally, what's better than getting some and getting paid for it? I think nothing! So unless you are in some fetish porn to do with depressed people, moan and groan the crap out of that camera and make some money!
      So there is my list of five easy first steps to becoming a porn star! I hope you take all of these things into consideration and make lots of money by having sex! And if someone calls you a slut or a whore, just tell them how much you are making compared to them and BAM! You'll probably see them in your next video! Just remember! Always stay protected!!