Oct 25, 2011: It Does NOT Get Better

A very important person once told me, “It gets worse before it gets better.” I since then used that as a personal 'motto' for when my life seemed really rough. I would always tell myself, when things got a little too rough for me that it does get better, I just have to wait till this is over. I felt better after I told myself this, knowing that it would get better.

It was soon that I saw the effects of telling myself that. Things seemed to be looking up and I was feeling really really great! I thought I was going to go slowly up hill again and I would feel great like I used to. False.

Let's play a game of true and false, it's really easy, I'll tell you something, you say true or false then I'll give you the right answer.

1. Friends are a good source to go to when you are feeling down. True.

2. You will find a guy that likes you. True.

3. That guy wants to get to know you. False.

4. All that guy wants is in your pants. True.

5. It gets worse before it gets better. False.

If there is one thing I've learned these past two or more weeks: It doesn't get better! People are lying to you when they say that. You will never get back up to that euphoric feeling in life again, it's a once in a lifetime f*cking peak that lasts for a month and then you are back on your ass. You can try as hard as you can but the good things that come in your life are all just fake! They are just heartbreaks in disguise. Don't trust ANYONE!

So my advice for you, keep that plastic mask you call happy close by, cause you are going to need it.

Oct 16, 2011: Whiskey Lulla-byes

     There is something about getting drunk of Jagermister and a bunch of other alcohols that make you wake up and smell the morning coffee, so to speak. Sure it's all fun and games while you are there with friends drinking, stumbling, peeing, scaring, and playing apples to apples, it's what happens after that's the sad realization that you are destined in life to go absolutely no where.       It's the part where you are walking back to your dorm at four in the morning while you're friends are up in a bed room sleeping/hooking up, whatever one they are doing, that you realize how alone you really are. The lonely walk back gives you mucho time to think, and since you are more sober than you were before, however you are still extremely drunk, you think and think... and think. Then it gets to be too much.
     It's not until you are back on campus and there is a lonely little bench by a rock and a tree, where a lonely little light illuminates it in all of it's lonely glory-ness. It's the only thing you know you can confide in. So you do. It also really gives a whole literal meaning to being caught between a rock and a hard place, which also gives it this weird ironic sense of being there too.
     It's where you look up at the moon and say her name that you realize, how much of a terrible person you are and that you are not going anywhere in life. At first though you don't want to believe yourself in what you just said to yourself. Yet when that first tear drops down your face and lands on your hand resting on your lap that you realize yet again, that it's all true.
     It's the fact that you come back to your room in hope to be quiet, clean your new peircing then go to bed that you find out that you're roommate has moved out with out telling you. You are now alone in this once seemingly small room. Your thoughts float about and you are not quite sure what to do with yourself. So you sit down, in the middle of the room and you cry. You seem like you are crying for hours when in fact it's only been minutes. The entire time you've been questioning your whole existence and how your life is not going to go anywhere. Again, this could just still be from being intoxicated.
     That is when you put open up your laptop and start playing your “Lovesick” playlist on i-Tunes, then you cry some more, knowing that you've never been loved and will probably never be loved. No matter what everyone tells you. In that moment of your life, you are completely alone. It's the sad realization in which you started drinking in the first place. Now you wonder though, did you drink because you didn't want to feel anything, or because you wanted to feel something that you never had?
      Sarah McLachlan plays deerily in the background while you go through of list of things that you need to do now. This mental list takes its toll and you even though you don't want to have to do any of what is on it, you know you must. Things on this list seem like they are going to be harder than the actually are, however, in the end you won't reget any of it, or at least you hope you don't, since regret is one thing in life you can only rely on anymore.

      You can only hope to see what tomorrow morning brings you while you are slowly falling asleep while typing a blog post for your readers, or lack of. But somewhere deep down inside you know everything will be okay, yet there is a voice in the back of your head that tells you it will all end here.

xoxo
JW

Look it at what I gots!!!

I MADE A PHOTOGRAPHY PROFILE ON BOOKFACE!
CHECK IT OUT AND LIKE IT AND STUFF!!!
K LOVES YOU ALL! <3
xoxo
JW

Oct 10, 2011: WWED? (What Would Effy Do?)

     I am in a bit of a pickle. Here's the sich: I have this roommate right? Well he's a good roommate, despite the fact that sometimes he puts all of his shit in the middle of the floor and also rarely talks to me, but a good roommate none the less. However, recently he has just talked to me about him moving in with his friend “Nate” (names have been changed to protect the innocent...or the guilty as charged.) and “Nate” apparently doesn't like his roommate... Or so they both say. So they approached me with the situation and I was O.K with him moving out, like honestly, I couldn't care less. It wasn't until today that it has now gotten down to something more....

     I don't quite recall a lot of what he said but in the end he said, “There is a kid on the third floor that doesn't have a roommate just to keep in mind.” Which translates to, “I want you to move out of this room so that I can have it for my friend and I.” Which comes down to the problem, or pickle as I have stated earlier. To move out or to not move out?

      Well, let us look at what is going through my head at this point in time. The first thing I thought was, “WWED?”, or “What Would Effy Do?” (That is Effy Stonem from the hit British TV series Skins if you don't know.) I decided, Effy would go out, do a crap ton of drugs and dance to some dubstep while majorly tripping. Then she would assess the situation and probably tell my roommate to not be a “Cunt” and that he should “move his ass out.” So I thought that maybe not the best way to handle this situation...

     I then realized, I was placed in this room originally with a different roommate, who then happened to be a football player and wanted to room with another player which was fine by me. It wasn't until he was on a different list that I have gotten my current roommate. So therefore, I have gotten this room first and I don't think that I should have to move, since I was paying for the room first. But that sounds a bit childish, but right now is my number one reason why I am not moving out.

     I then called my friend and told her the situation and she told me to tell him off and stay in the room. Her response to the situation was pretty much a combination of the first and the second response. Which I do agree, however, the telling him off part I will do in a much nicer manner, I'm sure.

     When it comes down to it, if he has a problem with me or current rooming assignment, then he should have to move. Like I said before hand, I was in this room first technically and why should I have to move out if I was put in this room originally?

     Also I do have to say I love the fact that I'm writing this while he is right in front of me in the room while on his phone. Surely thinking, “Damn, he's not going to move and I'm going to be stuck in this pickle for longer...” Which, is true because I'm not moving and that's final! But I'm not going to break the news to him until tomorrow. That way he can have this slight hope and then have it crushed when I tell him I'm not moving. I'm smiling on the inside and out about my choice!

Until next time...

xoxo

JW

HAPPY NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!!!

October 6, 2011: Young, Broke and Fabulous!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. My life right? Let me tell you what, It's not easy being a college student. It's not all glitz and glamor as the movies and TV shows depict it. It's gritty, mean, and a down right swift kick in the ass. However, not all of college is bad, the fact that you are pretty much free to do whatever you want is the nice thing. You just have to be careful that you don't get carried away with all the freedom and things don't go south to fast.
Back to me crying myself to sleep. You may be asking why? What happened in the life of Jerry that made you cry yourself to sleep? Or you are probably not giving a single shit and just want to read a pretty damn entertaining blog. Both of which I will provide you. This weekend someone very important to me died (no it was not Steve Jobs, although if I were a rabid apple fan I would be pretty damn bummed out). She really made me get out of my shell and helped me become who I am today. I know, I know, it's all pretty fucking cliché but hey, it's true. This lady was an inspiration for me and I even thought that maybe I would love to take her job, but then I realized I don't want to work with kids in any way.
Last night though, I felt a revelation that seemed to just sweep across me and I felt like I had not been good enough for her. What I mean by that is that I felt like I could have done better for her. I wasn't the best I could be at and I regret not emailing her back. It was like I finally realized she was gone. She was dead and never coming back, and I would never be able to thank her for all the things she's done for me. However, I'm hoping she some how knows this while looking down on me from her little stoop in heaven while I type this out.
I also cried for a number of other reasons, like the fact that I've never had a boyfriend, how my heart was stomped on many, many times, how I hated all this drama in “the group” here in college. I think I even cried a little because it was raining so damn much and I just wanted the sunshine back, also I looked at my recent bank account history and a tear came out...
I then had to take a moment and stop. Just stop. So I did, and I called my friend Cora back home and just had the best conversation of my life with her. It's funny how one person can make your whole night ten times better. It was then that I realized that maybe I was crying all for the wrong reasons. We all have so many troubles in our lives, I couldn't just sit in my bed and cry because I had a rough day. There are people out there that are having a rough life or have had a rough life. I had to stop. I had to get out of this funk and go on with life.
Important people die, but shouldn't mourn over their death, we should celebrate the life they lived and how they impacted peoples lives. Many people go their entire lifetime without finding the one, we just have to remember that there may be someone out there, we just have to wait for the right moment and keep looking with each rejection. Drama, fuck it! Face the drama and move on!
However, that bank account could be fixed by getting a job, in which I need mucho badly right now! But I guess that's the life of being young, broke and fabulous!

xoxo
JW