Oct 16, 2011: Whiskey Lulla-byes

     There is something about getting drunk of Jagermister and a bunch of other alcohols that make you wake up and smell the morning coffee, so to speak. Sure it's all fun and games while you are there with friends drinking, stumbling, peeing, scaring, and playing apples to apples, it's what happens after that's the sad realization that you are destined in life to go absolutely no where.       It's the part where you are walking back to your dorm at four in the morning while you're friends are up in a bed room sleeping/hooking up, whatever one they are doing, that you realize how alone you really are. The lonely walk back gives you mucho time to think, and since you are more sober than you were before, however you are still extremely drunk, you think and think... and think. Then it gets to be too much.
     It's not until you are back on campus and there is a lonely little bench by a rock and a tree, where a lonely little light illuminates it in all of it's lonely glory-ness. It's the only thing you know you can confide in. So you do. It also really gives a whole literal meaning to being caught between a rock and a hard place, which also gives it this weird ironic sense of being there too.
     It's where you look up at the moon and say her name that you realize, how much of a terrible person you are and that you are not going anywhere in life. At first though you don't want to believe yourself in what you just said to yourself. Yet when that first tear drops down your face and lands on your hand resting on your lap that you realize yet again, that it's all true.
     It's the fact that you come back to your room in hope to be quiet, clean your new peircing then go to bed that you find out that you're roommate has moved out with out telling you. You are now alone in this once seemingly small room. Your thoughts float about and you are not quite sure what to do with yourself. So you sit down, in the middle of the room and you cry. You seem like you are crying for hours when in fact it's only been minutes. The entire time you've been questioning your whole existence and how your life is not going to go anywhere. Again, this could just still be from being intoxicated.
     That is when you put open up your laptop and start playing your “Lovesick” playlist on i-Tunes, then you cry some more, knowing that you've never been loved and will probably never be loved. No matter what everyone tells you. In that moment of your life, you are completely alone. It's the sad realization in which you started drinking in the first place. Now you wonder though, did you drink because you didn't want to feel anything, or because you wanted to feel something that you never had?
      Sarah McLachlan plays deerily in the background while you go through of list of things that you need to do now. This mental list takes its toll and you even though you don't want to have to do any of what is on it, you know you must. Things on this list seem like they are going to be harder than the actually are, however, in the end you won't reget any of it, or at least you hope you don't, since regret is one thing in life you can only rely on anymore.

      You can only hope to see what tomorrow morning brings you while you are slowly falling asleep while typing a blog post for your readers, or lack of. But somewhere deep down inside you know everything will be okay, yet there is a voice in the back of your head that tells you it will all end here.

xoxo
JW