Humble Hampster

“You have to die a few times before you can really live.”

~Charles Bukowski

A friend of mine once told me, “Water is like the most pure thing on earth.” I, of course, at the time objected, trying to explain to her about all the chemicals and bacteria that can be in water. She kept protesting, continuing on with how it is a form of honesty.

It wasn't until much later that I figured out what she meant about water that night. But that's for a different blog post... or maybe just a private diary entry.

I guess the point of that story goes on after what had happened that night.

We had been at a Modest Mouse concert. I with my friends and she, with hers. We met at Denny's and had a great night. It wasn't until about a year or so later, when we sat on the ugly orange 70's couch; a couch so defiled from sex, booze and drugs, yet we didn't mind, that we reminisced about that very night.

She told me something then: “I don't care how corny this sounds, but my favorite lyrics are 'Even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float on.' That song has helped me through so much, and that line just reminds me of everything I've been through and how I got through it. I lived by that line.”

10 points for guessing the name of that song.

I look back on it now, and I remember all the times that song would come on shuffle from someones iPod or phone, and she would make everyone get really quiet and then we'd all belt out that one line as loud as we could. Of course always ending up just laughing about how out of tune we were.

But it's true.

Sometimes things get hard, like this past couple of weeks, or f*ck even this year. Not only have I had my own personal struggles and battles with how I am living my life, where I am going, how it's all going to happen, but also with my friends, how we have lost friendships, even a friend in the process of finding ourselves. Ye that one line will always be the same, and always be true.

I might be trapped between the heartache of a romance that I know might never happen and if I want to be at school, and she might be confused on whether to drop out and “rub bitches.” But the great thing is, is that no matter what, I can look back on that moment, of pure tiredness, while she stroked the particles of water that ran down the cool plastic cup, staring at it and telling me that water was the most pure thing on earth; a glass full of pureness and honesty. To that moment on that god-awful, yet strangely inviting old couch, that no matter what we were going to face in our future, which ended up to be a lot, that no matter we would all float on.

Because it's completely true.

If you are ever having a bad day. Sit down, get a glass of water, put on your earphones and drown out to the simple melody of that song about a bad day that never went wrong.

And you know why it never went wrong?

That's right.

Because we'll all float on okay.

The Industrial Period

“Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go.”

~Nick Hornby

     It's that time of year again. School is in full swing, classes are starting to get more intriguing (or so we hope that they do), homework is getting more daunting, time is getting wasted by all of the many entrancing finds of the internet. Parties are getting more and more crazy, the inebriation of unversed freshman is getting out of control.

     I can look around and see that life has started, and either I'm missing it, through dreams of how I anticipate the things that are happening around me, or apart of it, skirting along the edges of everyone else. It is hard to figure out when I am stuck in a group that I am not sure I actually belong in.
     We are in the industrial period.

     The pillars of smoke are all gone, and old wood houses make way for the new steel wonders that touch the sky with cold hands. We all step out into the light and everything is new; change is in the air, and it beats down on our faces as we inhale the last bit of the dust from the ashes of the battles.

     Our bodies covered in scars and cuts from the year before. Some have healed, while others are imprinted forever into our warming skin: boisterous and proud, yet never giving us peace.

     I watch as my friends are all in their own buildings, on the top floors watching down, now, on the tiny speckled pavements. Working their own jobs and gaining their own money, and I see them, for once....

     Happy.

     And that makes me happy.

     The industrial period is upon us, we are becoming our own people, creating new things for us to enjoy and for once we can. For once the battle is no where in sight... for now.

     It is time for us to keep building and moving forward, becoming happier. Because for once in our lives things are going somewhat right, even if they don't seem like it at the time.

Summer 2012 Playlist: Part One

• National Anthem- Lana Del Rey
• 3 Months in California- The Royal Sons
• The Gardener- Tallest Man on Earth
• Shampain- Marina and the Diamonds
• Put Your Graffiti on Me- Kat Graham
• Get a Job- The Gossip
• Apocalypse Dreams- Tame Impala
• Sunshine- Matisyahu
• Lemonade- CocoRosie
• Tongue Tied- Grouplove
• Soco Amaretto Lime- Brand New
• Youth- Daughter

Nostalgia

“Nostalgia- it’s delicate, but potent. Teddy told me that in Greek, ‘nostalgia’ literally means ‘the pain from an old wound.’ It’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful then memory alone.”

~Don Draper; Mad Men, ‘The Carousel’

It’s unbearably hot outside. The heat has gotten to a high of 91 today. The highest it’s been so far, I think. I don’t expect it to go down for the next month or so. July always seems to be the hottest month of the summer, with August on its tail. Especially, it seems, in a town near the lake.

Despite the heat, however, I’m still drinking coffee. It’s my second cup and I am still going strong. For some reason it seems to soothe me and brings a sense of security to me. It reminds me of when I used to live in Great Falls; spending nights at my grand parents house and waking up to a maple-y smell of bacon and the strong accent of dark coffee. I knew it was being sipped on my both of my grand parents

I can remember heading up the steps from the basement, my eyes still groggy and the corners crusted just a little bit, my teddy bear stuck between my arm pit. Peaking through the door to see my grand mother sitting at her chair closest to the sliding glass door. A thin Virginia Slim cigarette hanging from between her aging fingers, in her hands a cup of coffee with Tweedy Bird on it.

It’s weird to look back on things. As if you open up a part of your heart and soul when you do it, bringing a bittersweet feeling that rushes over you.

It’s what I felt the other night when I went through old (and I mean old) yearbooks, yearbooks from my elementary school years at Valley View, in Great Falls. I flipped through the pages, looking at the black and white photos of the faces I grew up with. I could only imagine how they were like now. How much had they changed? Where were they? Are they in college? Have children, getting married? Questions soared through my head.

However, I didn’t want to know. I wanted my memories of them to stay un-tainted, full of the innocence we all used to have, or at least some of us. I wanted to remember them the way we had played on the playground, twirling on the bars in the ground, playing ridiculous games involving getting flushed down a toilet.

Now that I think about it, isn’t summer just one nostalgic trip? You are out of school, sure you might have a job, but you always remember what you did summers ago. You are constantly re-visiting your past year at college that was awesome. It brings back a twinge in your heart.

If that’s the case, I better start making some good memories to look back on—adding them to the constant pile that keeps growing inside of my heart.

XX

NEW BLOG POSTS TO COME SOON!

Just relax and breathe...

It's a College Life...

As Summer is quickly approaching, some of the world is graduating from high school and they are going to be so glad to be out of that place. A lot of them are getting ready for college, where they expect a lot of things to go down, including: parties, new friends, hot guys/girls, boy/girlfriends, drugs, drinking, getting good grades, clubs, foot ball games, being able to go to most raves, buying cigarettes. They have this preconceived notion that college is going to be wonderful and great!

Don't get me wrong, college is wonderful and great, but it's nothing as the movies depict it! So in honor of all my friends (and/or readers) who have just graduated, or are going to graduate next year from high school, here is a short list of what to expect in college. Some Do's and Do Not's etc.

Let's get started....

Do: Go out and have fun! College is not only about furthering your education to get a kick ass job and lots of money in the future, but also a place for you to grow. So don't be stuck inside your dorm room all the time studying away. Get out and go experience life! Go to a house party occasionally, go on random adventures with friends around town, explore your sexuality (but be safe), and let loose. The reason why you don't pick the hard classes your first two years is so that you can do all this and then get it out of the way.

 

Don't: Go out all the time! Yes, there is a point when going out and drinking and partying can really mess you up. Take it from me. Personal freaking experience, and it does not end pretty. If you do this, it is likely you won't get up for classes or just won't simply go. You can fall into a nasty habit of skipping out since you can. It will catch up with you and you will be kicking yourself afterwords.

 

Do: Skip class once and a while. Now, I know most people are like, 'Oh My God! Don't do that, don't listen to him! That's terrible! Go to all your classes and you'll get good grades!' Let's be honest though, sometimes you need to just have a mental health day. Thankfully in College you can take those! Maybe there is just a day that just feels off and you need to just go out with friends and shop, have coffee, or just stay in bed all day after a crazy party. Do it! You are allowed to! Just note that you know you can get homework or whatever you missed from a friend or a really nice classmate. If you can afford to skip a class or classes, do it! It helps out with stress too.

 

Don't: Skip class a lot! After skipping a class or two you get caught in this rut. Again, trust me... It gets to a point where you just end up not going anymore. Like above, it will have you kicking yourself in the end. Keep your priorities straight. If you know that you can't skip a class then don't! And whatever you do, never, never, never skip a class where attendance counts. Unless you are sick or have an emergency.

 

Don't: Become a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl.' That's right you heard me. Now you maybe wondering, what is a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl?' You see, this last year in one of the dorms we had this one hall (The second floor of Duniway) that was a girls hall, and let me tell you. Most of them Capital T-rashy. (Now not all of them, just a lot.) So what does being a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl' entail? Puking in the halls, sinks, urinals, and/or water fountains (there is a toilet to help you with that, or a trashcan.) Peeing/defecating of any sort on the walls or in the hallway. Getting drunk before 9:00pm. Having many guys come back with you to your room in one night or just having lots of guys go to your room through the year (for obvious reasons,) because we all know what you are doing. Yelling to your friends and not friends in the halls, rooms, etc.

Now you might be a guy reading this and are probably like, 'Well I'm a guy, I can't be a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl!'' False! Guys are just as apt to be a 'Second-Floor Duniway Girl' just as much as girls!

 

Do: Be classy for crying out loud. No matter the situation!

 

Do: Join clubs! It's the easiest, and best, way to make new friends in college! If you are too shy to talk to other kids in your class, join an interest group that they have on campus! It's free, fun way to meet people. Plus, you are usually forced to introduce yourself and answer some weird question so people can get to know you. Go at the beginning of the year, because that way you get stronger bonds for the rest of the year.

 

Do: Be open minded! There is nothing worse than a close-minded individual in college who will not open up. They come off as being rude and really insecure. Remember, there are so many different kinds of people out there in the world! Open your mind, even if you are really nervous about doing so. This is a time for you to grow and find yourself. You are starting on a clean slate to form your own ideas for your new lifestyle!

 

Don't: Spend all your refund money (if you get some) on crap! Put almost all of it away for something more important, like I don't know, student loans in the future! Put most of it away in a savings every semester and it'll collect interest, that way you can save up for an apartment, and other necessities for life in the real world. Keep some though in your pocket for some fun spending money but don't spend all of it at once!

 

Do: GO TO A DRAG SHOW! I don't care if you are straight, most people are at a Drag Show! They are great fun and usually really cheap! Also it's great place to go with girls or friends, because not only do you get to see some fierce bitches perform and get a whole new experience out of it, but also there is usually dancing after. It's great cause if you are in a place like Zoo, where they don't have any dance clubs, it's a great opportunity to go out and dance! Also, girls, it's a great way to not get hit on by a bunch of douche-bags like at most shows. And fellas, if you are out or closeted, it's a great way to get in touch with the gay scene and hello! Cute boys! 

• If it will be your first time at a drag show, here is a blog with some tips and pointers for you virgins. Virgins Click Here, Please.

Do: Join in events in your community and that are put on by the college. This is a great way to get to know the area and feel more like a local. Most people are all like, that is such a 'tourist' thing to do, but to be honest you get to meet some great locals. Also you learn a lot about the area and there is always amazing things to see like art shows, parties, and you can get invited to some really awesome stuff!

Do: BE SAFE!!! Use common sense! Just be safe whether it be going out or having sex. Even walking around campus at night! Just be safe and use your head!

So those are just a few tips and pointers I have for your college experience. I know I should post this more for when college actually comes around, but I thought I'd give you a taste of what you should do so you can adjust during the summer. Just remember, college is a place where you are going to explore your life. Your first year is usually really bad when it comes to balancing social life and school, but if you just go into it with no regrets, you will grow so much! Trust me on this.

XX

JW

Wide Awake

“Falling from cloud 9,

Crashing from the high,

I'm letting go tonight.

Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9.

I'm wide awake.”

~Katy Perry 'Wide Awake'

Summer has now begun, and we will go on with our lives as if the past year has never happened. As if it was just another year in our lives that came and went. However, for many of us, we are still stuck in that year. Stuck in the memories of feeling truly happy because of friends and experiences that made our lives feel great, even if it was for a brief moment. That is where I'm stuck. I know that is where a lot of others are stuck as well.

Coming back to a place you used to call home isn't the same. It is the old and you feeling you are only taking giant steps back from where you were in your life. That's what happened when I first walked in through my door of my small smurf blue house. I looked at the peeling paint of the white door, the old wooden steps painted hunter green, and I knew that I didn't actually want to be here. The first couple of days were great, but then I noticed something.

I am alone here. I would like to say I'm not, that I still have old friends but the truth is, I've moved on and so have they. I don't feel the same around them, I knew that when I came back for winter break. I have grown in a new direction and they are starting to as well. It makes me want to cry to be honest. It has made me cry, actually.

I am not the same person I was when I first left this little tourist town. I am a new me, and it's hard coming back here and not having the same things as I did in Zoo. There aren't parties to go get trashed at, there are no friends to go on random adventures with, there aren't any cute boys to flirt with (well, if there is they are in high school or straight, or both.)

However, the thing that I'm realizing, no matter how alone I will feel this summer, I have to make it up to myself to give myself a really good summer. Even if I am alone for half or a majority of it. It's exactly what is being stated in the quote from the song by Katy Perry. She is 'falling from cloud 9', but she is waking up to the life around her. That is what I have to do. That is what we all have to do if we are stuck in this place.

So I decided, if I can be in the Zoo, I will bring the Zoo to me! I mean, I feel like I fit in enough there anyways, and I never fit in here at home. So I will bring my A game here and I will stop feeling sorry for myself. I might be alone but the one thing I still have is my sense of adventure and imagination, and if that's all I can get this summer... I will rock the shit out of it.

So with that I want you to expect a whole lot of blogs this summer. Blogs keeping you updated in my 'gay life,' play-lists with some awesome new tracks to make your summer a little bit brighter, and whatever else my little head can think of. I will be using the best of what I have to at least make something of my summer! And if that means to become a great blogger and hopefully getting more readership, then so be it!

I am wide awake, and I'm ready for summer 2012 to begin... I just hope it's ready for me ;)

XX

JW