About A Boy

“A man the world over in
search of what he needs and returns home to find it.”
~George Moore

I can sit here, in the
University Center; the green plants surrounding me, the glass roof
pouring in the moonlight on to every open surface, Antony and the
Johnson’s serenading me while I watch the lives pass by me. I
wonder what it means to be here, to be living in existence, and I
know that may sound really ridiculous of me and really far fetched
Idea and you all might be asking, 'Is he smoking something?'

The answer to the last one
is no.

However, ever since last
Tuesday night I have just been questioning on where I'm going with my
life. You all have read the previous blogs, where I say that I have
my plans for New York and blah blah blah. But my question is, what is
happening with life right now?

Okay, so let's head back to
Friday shall we? Friday night when I felt the cool breeze on my
face as I listened to a very intellegant curly haired friend of mine
go on about boys, friends and just life. It wasn't until we passed
something that has made the biggest impact in my life, and we sat
down and talked.

We talked and it all made
sense.

I didn't think I could talk
about what I was feeling and people want me to go to the Health
Center on Campus to talk to someone.

But how does one even begin
to talk about their problems to a complete stranger who probably has
no clue what I'm going through?

Luckily I had this very special person in my life who seemed to
be the first (and right now, only)
person who is understanding what I am going through? And she told me
a very beautiful story about a young girl who felt the same way and
did the same thing, but then talked to a very beautiful boy and he
helped her figure it out. He helped her figure out what she was
feeling.

He told her, “I want to know
where my life is going to go. It might be tough now, but the only
thing that is keeping me here, is the question about where I'm going
to go and if it's gone, I will never know.”

It all made sense. In those few
moments that I was standing there that Tuesday night, the wind
whistling past my ears, all I could hear was, “Where is my life
going?” It was going no where at that moment, and it still hasn't,
but how do I know that it won't go somewhere else?

She was the only one to give me
what I really needed that night. Space and time to think. While
everyone else crowded with their cheeks flushed, eyes puffy, telling
me I was selfish. What
none of them knew was that I could not explain what was going on.

“You are rational. You would
only do something like that for a reason, and people don't see that,”
She told me. “Nobody saw that and I knew because I had been through
this before.”

So this is not a story of a boy
who wanted the world to end. Who wanted to leave the ones he left
behind. This is not a story about a manic or a teen full of angst,
where everything spirals out of control in the end.

No.

This is a story of a lost boy
who can't find his way back on to his path, and he is searching. He
is searching with the help of the currents of his life, the deer
behind him, picking him up if he falls and staying closely behind but
not too far. Nor too close.

There isn't an end to this
story.

It just hurts, that's all.

“Everything was
beautiful and nothing hurt.”
~Kurt Vonnegut

XX
JW