So lately I've been posting some serious stuff. I feel like I was going through a dark phase in my life, and it seems to happen to me sometimes. I wouldn't call it bi-polar or manic depression, but I would like to think that maybe somewhere deep down I am? Or maybe it's just the way I am. I am a Gemini and you know what they say about Gemini's!
… Yeah me either...
Anyways, I want to tell you what I was thinking and my thoughts during what I like to call my “Dark hours.” It's not a happy thought and I know a lot of you are gonna be like, 'Oh meh gah, he is such a fake and just looking for attention.' I'm not. The last thing I want to be seen as is an attention-seeker like my cousin. I want to open up to you all so I can get this off my chest and so, like I say in almost every other single post, that kids, teens, young adults, or even struggling adults, can learn from me and know that there is someone like them out there! That I'm here for them, for you!
For as long as I can remember I've always thought about death. I'm sure we all have, but we always dismiss it because we grow up learning you go to 'heaven' or 'hell.' Sometimes we are taught we rot in the ground and what not, other times we are taught we come back as something else and go through the stages of getting back into human form. It all really depends on where and how you grew up, with the affect or lack of affect of religion.
You see, I was always told, you go to 'heaven' or 'hell,' but I never really believed that. Well at first, sure I did, it was what mommy and everyone told me, that's how it had to be. Of course we grow and we open our eyes, or at least some of us do, and I kept thinking about it. I thought of every possible explanation I could come up with in my small, uneducated brain.
It wasn't until I was having problems with questioning my sexuality that I really thought about killing myself. I was, I don't know about fifth grade when these thoughts started coming into my head. It all started because of one kid that just bugged me more than the others about being who I was. I then would always just think about it and think about it. I thought, maybe everyone's life would be easier if I was just gone. I even thought, no one would miss me, or no one would even noticed if I was gone. You see at that time we were going through a big mess with my cousin. So you see, I had a perfect time to think about it. I was the one in the family that was never good enough; I did something right no one noticed, I did something wrong, no one forgot!
It wasn't until that day in Quinn's class (as stated in my July 16 blog post) that I really wanted to kill myself to get out of this mess I created for myself. Like I said, I obviously didn't because of a certain person who spoke up and helped me, even if he doesn't know that he did.
It was later on in high school that I realized I don't want to kill myself. I never wanted to kill myself... I just wanted to... die? Yes, I just wanted to die. I knew I couldn't and wouldn't kill myself. If there was just a way that I could just die, I know I would be in a better place.
That's the way I think. I don't know how to explain it really, it's just this feeling that I want to die. I think about it every day, and I mean every day. It's just some days I'm happier than others, like most people. But I know that if I could just die, life would be a lot easier, and maybe it's because I wouldn't have to deal with it.
In other words, I'm not suicidal, even though I have tendencies to want to so it would just be easier.
Take in the words of Sylvia Plath from her book The Bell Jar page 147 in the Paperback version by Haper Perennial.
“But when it came down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.”
I don't know how else to explain it. Maybe one day I'll die young like Sylvia, after making a huge mark on the world in some way. But we all know they don't care until you're dead.
In other words...
Everyone, don't worry about me! I'm fine and just go on and live your life! Don't worry about me! I'll be fine...
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