Skeleton Me

 “I live for the nights I can't remember with the people I'll never forget.”

If there is one thing in this world that I have learned this past weekend was that I the world can never have too many drunk nights. I know, that sounds super trashy of me, and I'm always like, yeah I'm classy and keep it that way. But sometimes you need those weekends where your rules and morals are thrown out the window. That was my weekend.

The great thing about this weekend was the fact that it started out on Thursday night, right around 5:30 pm. It didn't end until about 1 am Monday morning, or Sunday night whatever way you look at it.

It was this weekend that I found something out. It could have been the drugs and alcohol, but it opened my mind to something I thought I had already knew. I have been with the wrong people for a very long time. You might be wondering, what do you mean? Wrong people? And if you are those people, I'm sure you know who you are, I'm sorry. I'm not saying this to be mean or rude, but it's the truth and I'm working on being honest. This doesn't mean I want to be your friend, it just means that I have found a niche of people that I fit in better with.

It was Friday night that this realization came into my head. At once my heart felt like it was in the final lap for the Stanley Cup almost reaching the finish line and being first. I was flooded with all these different emotions, and stepping outside was not in my cards, I couldn't handle the cold at that point. So I sat down on the wood floors of a friends house. It was then that I looked around: Kat was cuddled up next to Chris, who was very drunk but seemed to be enjoying himself as Kat was petting his arm. A very lovely curly haired girl laid down in my lap, her arms wrapping around my leg, my hand getting lost in her curls. The sound of our friend in the back bedroom with the signs of having a too good of a night.

It was this simple picture that got me. It was simple and I was not feeling like I needed to leave or needed to get more fucked up. I was okay with where I was at. No I was beyond happy with where I was at and who I was with. I realized, I have been spending my time with the wrong people.

Again, don't seem offended but the people I would hang out with constantly before, I guess I was just around them tooooo much. I also feel like they don't understand me. I can't talk to them like I can talk to the group I was with at that moment on Friday and I realized why their bond was so strong with each other.

It was the fact that they could talk to each other about things and not feel judged, and that their feelings will be reciprocated. They are truly there for each other. That's what I want, and I know I have those but it seems that I haven't felt that way for a very long time except for with certain people like momma Drake, and very few other people.

It was this group that got me to stop and look at what I was with and what I was missing out on. Even the next day when I went back and hung out with the other group, I wasn't as happy.

I realized it. I realized why I didn't feel like I fit in. It is because they are still so young and innocent. Not saying that I'm old, I mean most of them are a year or two older than me, but they haven't experienced as much as I have, they aren't on my same level of things in where our lives are. For instance, while they are wanting to go watch a movie, or smoke a bowl, I will be wanting to go out and meet people and have fun. I don't want to just drink in a dorm room and that be it. No, I want to go to a random house party and meet new people and experience new things. They aren't ready for that.

They want to have a boyfriend, I want to have some one night stands. They want to go and walk, I want to go fuck something up. They want to talk about drama, I want to talk about and have sex.

My innocence is gone. I got that. But I can't pull myself back to other peoples levels so I can try to have a good time. I have to go out on my own and find others that are on my level. That's when I can find where I truly belong. I can't hold myself back, I have to go forward or else I'm just repeating the past again and for the longest time I felt like I was. With the old group of friends I had in Polson. They were too innocent. I was not. I was never happy with them. I want to be happy.

I am just happy that I have found the people that I have on that Friday night. They are the ones that have changed my life. They are the ones that I want in my life.

XX
JW