The Stress of Being a Wallflower

I thought things were going better. That is until yesterday night, I was reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower and for some reason I knew what this book was about and it saddened me. I can't explain what I felt at that moment to tell me how I understood the book right in that section but I just did. For some unexplainable reason.

I've never had friends I could make mix tapes for. I've never been apart of something grand like Charlie has. There are only a few people that have made me feel that way. Otherwise I am a wallflower amongst “wallflowers.” I am by myself and I can accept that... I think.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I think I understand why my “friend” group is so divided and so hateful towards each other behind each others backs. No one listens. All they do is talk and they don't stop when it's important stuff, because now that they were told the burden of someone else, for some reason they feel that they now have that burden apart of them, even though it's not, and they need to share it with someone else.

Our information that we think is staying between one to two people is getting thrown around and used by each other like a very confused prostitute.

We think we can share things in confidence and not have that person tell anyone, because when you trust someone that's how it is supposed to go. It's when that trust is broken that you don't know who to turn to so all of the stress comes crashing down on you and you end up at the side of bridge, looking at how the water is calling your name so seductively.

What's even worse though, is that you know that they are talking about you after you show them that you are even just a slightly bit pissed. They talk about why you shouldn't be pissed and say some half way rude things because that is how it goes.

I want my friends to read this and know because it's my turn to talk.

It's my turn to express myself and not be the bystander that has to hear all of your crap about everyone else!

I know this all seems a bit angry, and it's probably not good that I'm writing this in a very angry mood but it needs to be said.

So to all my friends, if you read this, you know who you are, get over yourselves and start thinking about others, or your so called friends. Because when you only do the talking, and a lot of you do, it's hard for others who are dealing with the same thing to help you! And right now I'm done with helping because I'm not getting any reciprocation from a lot of you.

I need my voice to be heard too.

I know this sounds needy but I feel like I don't talk enough about me to my friends group. It seems to be always what's their problems and I'm tired. I can't do it anymore and I'm weeping while I type this because I can't.

I can't be there when you won't be there. And I know most of you are like, no I'm here for you I was there for you. But were you really? Think about it. “Be a filter, not a sponge.”

XX

JW