2012: THE New Year

Hello my fellow readers and bloggers!

At the beginning of this next year... I will be looking forward to doing more things with my blog! Hopefully getting a better readership! As well as watching the new Season of Ru Paul Drag Race!

So get ready!!!

XX
JW

The Sound of Silence

RE:What's going on...

     So for the longest time I didn't know what to write about for a new blog. Things seemed to be going fine. Well that's a lie. They seemed to be going fine then I hit yet another rough patch. I recently was watching the recent Daily Grace video and she talked about this video that I went and looked up before she even got into talking.
     It's a very popular video out there and I know why now. Because the kid who made that video has major, major guts! He is one brave kid. I admire him and I hope that somehow this reaches him and he reads some of my blogs to know that he is not alone.
     The kid in the video is named Jonah and he was and still is being bullied. Being called gay, fag, homo, etc etc. He cut himself, starting in the second grade, and he has thought of suicide. At the end of the video he tells us that he is not going anywhere. That he has a million things to live for.
     As I'm typing this, I can not handle my emotions. I'm even in the public place of pizza hut on campus, tears rolling down my cheeks.
     This video needs to be seen. By everyone!
     I know where this kid has been, I know where he is because I'm in it everyday! I've been bullied almost my entire life. All of the names he has been called I've heard way too many times said to me. I even had the nickname of “Ferry Jerry” back home. I've had scissors thrown at me from buses. I've had threat letters to my locker. I've even gotten so very hurtful facebook/myspace messages.
     I don't know how to say this, but I must. I have thought about suicide, which angsty teen hasn't right? However, there is always something that keeps me from doing it.
     I want you to all know this because I want people to realize they are not alone out there. There are others, like Jonah and myself, who have been hurt and have wanted to die from it. You need to know that no matter how terrible things seem now, that they will, and I stress this cause it's like the fucking story of my life, but they will get better! You will hit rough patches and you will get so low that suicide is the only answer, but think about it. You could make a difference in someone's life.
     I'm currently reading the book Thirteen Reasons Why, which was going to be my new blog post, a review on this amazingly wonderful book I'm reading for the fourth time, but I think this is a good place to bring it up in.
     It's about a young girl who killed herself and made 7 tapes, 2 sides to each, and on each tape was a story of a person. 13 people would receive the tapes, they would get it after the one before them. They would find out why she killed herself, and it was because of them. What they did, or what they didn't do. She was bullied and teased, rumors were spread about her and she couldn't take it anymore. She killed herself.
      This book is dark but very amazing and beautifully written! Things like this and that video made by Jonah need to be seen by everyone in the world! To know what impact they have! In the book the girl states on one of the tapes:
     “You don't know what went on in the rest of my life. At home. Even at school. And when you mess with one part of a persons life, you're not messing just that one part. Unfortunately, you can't be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person's life, you're messing with their entire life.
     Everything...affects everything.”
     It's all 100% true. When you bully someone, it doesn't just affect that one part of their life, it affects all of it, and with so many things out there like this video, I'm still surprised it's going on!
     I needed to share this part of my life with you all to know that there is someone out there that has gone through, fuck, that is still going through what you are! You are not alone and you will always have a friend!
                           XX

Twinks, Bears, and Drag Queens! Oh my!

So everyone this last friday I went to the Ho, Ho Holiday Drag Show at the Palace Lounge here in Missoula, Montana. It was sooo beyond Fabulous!!!!! I can't even express how amazing it is! So I thought I'd put on one of my favorite Drag Queen's songs and you can listen to it while you look at SOME of the pictures! Check them all out on my photography page on facebook! Enjoy!

HO HO HOLIDAY DRAG SHOW!

 Kiara Drake and Friends

 Vaginamyte Shagswell

 Miss Celia Sanders

 Jessip Akau

 Johnny Spritzer

Some fun in the crowd with tips!

 Ginger Shagswell

 Disa Rae

 Kitty Liquor

 Some more Tip fun!

 StevieDe La Luna

 Getting a tip from his boyfriends mouth!

 Just some audience participation

 The NEW Christina Drake! Welcome to the Drag Family here!

 Again, some more Audience Participation

 The Fiercest bitch around! Kiara Drake!

Second (Extended) Trailer to my Photoseries/Short Film: The One That Got Away

I was born bad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lana Del Rey, my new favorite indie pop singer! The past month I stumbled upon her beautiful song 'Blue Jeans' and fell in love ever since. If you enjoy some old hollywood glam with some chic danger you'll fall in love with this talented beauty. There is just something about that voice and that face I can't get enough of... and I'm gay... So sit back, relax and feel the danger of her music move through you!

Lana Del Rey Facebook
Lana Del Rey Youtube
Lana Del Rey Twitter

Trailer to my Photoseries: The One That Got Away

Nov 15, 2011: Dear Montana, get your head out of your ass!

     Hey there readers and family and friends! Sorry I haven't updated my blog for a while! It's just the fact that I haven't really had anything to write about. Or maybe it was the fact that I had so much to write about, I just didn't know how to write it! Anyways, I'm back now after a break of ups and downs and ready to write about something that I want to see changed in the world.
Recently Montana has been on my good list. This last week Missoula just elected their first openly gay City Council member, Caitlin Copple! I'm so happy to see that finally we have an openly gay person in some place of charge to help this state. I can say I'm 100% so happy she has gotten the position and she will do amazing!
    With this I stumbled on an article on my facebook from the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU),about how the ACLU has appealed a domestic partnership case here in Montana. The case, Donaldson and Guggenheim v. State of Montana was dismissed to the Montana Supreme Court. The article states: “The Montana Constitution guarantees that all people, including gay and lesbian couples, should be treated equally and fairly.” Hopefully in the Montana Supreme Court this will hold up, but being in Montana, we can never be too sure with some really close-minded Republicans.
The great thing about this whole article in my opinion, was the quote from Jan Donaldson who stated, “Mary Anne and I have appreciated the support we've received from fellow Montanans who understand that all families need to be able to take care of each other. We just want the dignity of our committed partnership recognized as worth of those legal protections.”
     This quote really got to me, because I do know that one day, whenever I'm with my life partner I I will want to show it like straight couples, also I want the same damn legal protections that straight couples get. Such as seeing my partner in the hospital if he is hurt or vice versa. I want to have the benefits of marriage as all other couples.
     The article also goes on to talk about how there are 2,295 Montana same-sex households, as released by the U.S Census. It also goes on about how without the protection of a domestic partnership, the plaintiffs faced discrimination when Guggenheim had a hip replacement, and the doctor's office staff would not release any information to Donaldson with out a release.
“Kellie Gibson of Laurel was denied bereavement leave when her partner Denise's father died. Mary Leslie of Bozeman lost her home because she was ineligible for worker's compensation death benefits when her partner was killed in an accident.”
     I know when I find the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, I want to make sure that I can visit them in the hospital or to get some help if they happened to die in an accident or what not. This is why Montana needs to get out of it's strict Republican views and open it's eyes to see that the world is changing! Being openly gay is becoming more acceptable in this day-and-age. Let's start to change with it!
     Missoula is the only city in Montana that has an anti-discrimination law that protects people from discrimination of sexual orientation and gender identity.
With this, we need to get more of this type of stuff for the LGBTQI community of Montana! Let us not be afraid to stand for what is right and fair!

Best Music Video of all time!!!

So I've been meaning to post this for a while but never got around to it, but OMG I can't stop watching Katy Perry's new music video for my favorite song off her new ablum "The One That Got Away." So sit back, grab some tissues and be prepared to be astounded!

Nov 3, 2011: 5 easy steps to becoming a Porn Star!

       So for the past couple of weeks I have decided that I will become a porn star! Yes! I will star in the hottest gay porn one could ever see! However, I have an exception: It has to be classy! (Don't judge. Porn can be classy... I think...) Anyhoo. With this I decided to go with a couple of friends and research what it takes to be in porn and to make it in the porn industry. Thanks to Google and the many adult video stores here I got a glimpse of what my future is to be like when I join this multi-billion dollar industry. So here are the steps I have created to for you to get you on your way to doing porn!
       Step One: Work Out. Something that I need to get started doing again. By my intense “research” into joining the field of porn, I've noticed many of the actors are in really good shape. I mean it could be the fact that they are having sex for long periods, if not multiple times, that they are like burning a whole bunch of calories! Which is another great reason why one should consider doing porn! I mean who doesn't want that I-just-had-sex-for-like-ten-hours after glow? But seriously, you are going to want to get into good enough shape that people find you attractive, unless they have that weird “crushing” fetish like I saw on Tyra that one time... weird.
      Step Two: Be Open. Well you are joining porn so I would hope you would be open anyways, but after looking at different categories at the Adult Fantasy Video store here in town it's crazy how many things that us humans are into. For example: Abasiophilia, a fetish involving a person being attracted to and sexually aroused by an object. So don't be completely surprised when you get a job where your partner is a rocking chair. They are sexual too! Well... not really but you'll have to make it sexual! You are a modern day actor and if a rocking chair needs to be sexed up, you f*cking sex it up!
      Step Three: Have a hot porn name. Think Jenna Jameson. I mean how hot is that name? It's freeking sexual! You need to get something that is going to get arousal when people whisper it while they buy or illegally download your video! Something like Steve the Sausage Man, doesn't quite have the same appeal as Cherry Darling (yes I stole that name from Robert Rodriquez's Planet Terror, but that's because it's hot!) Also depending on your name, you could easily get into a specific category of porn! Here is a 'formula' to get your own porn star name! What you do I take the name of your childhood pet along with the name of the street you grew up on. Mine would be, Chewy 5^th Street S. I mean how sexy is that name? Obviously, by look at my name, you can tell that I'm going to be in some kinky stuff with the downstairs area! Oral is where it is at!
      Step Four: Brush up on your acting skills. I mean the whole part of porn is to just have sex on camera, but there may be some acting involved. The last thing you want to be seen as is a terrible! I mean come on, it's not like this is porn! Well.. yeah it is, but think of it as an art form! Sure your diolouge is going to be mostly filled with (moans dramatically) and (groaning as he thrusts into her). So take the only speaking lines you will have and act the sh*t out of them! You want to be good and believable for when you are in that fantasy video about being a young student getting done by her/his unrealistically hot teacher! What am I saying? There is nothing believable about porn!
      Step Five: Choose what kind of porn you want to do! Like I said above in Step Three, your name might choose where you go. However, it is up to you on what you are into... sometimes! There are so many categories of porn for one to choose from. Fetishes to fantasy porn, to so many other things! Maybe you are a horror fan! You might like horror porn parodies such as “Texas A*shole Massacre” or “Friday the 13^th a nude beginning.” Whatever you choose, expect to stay in it, because that's really the only way you will get famous.
     Lastly, be exciting! No one likes a lame lay! You are here to entertain people, in more ways than one. Come into work with a smile on your face and get ready to have some great sex! (Hopefully) But I mean you are getting money for having sex and doing it legally, what's better than getting some and getting paid for it? I think nothing! So unless you are in some fetish porn to do with depressed people, moan and groan the crap out of that camera and make some money!
      So there is my list of five easy first steps to becoming a porn star! I hope you take all of these things into consideration and make lots of money by having sex! And if someone calls you a slut or a whore, just tell them how much you are making compared to them and BAM! You'll probably see them in your next video! Just remember! Always stay protected!!

Nov 1, 2011: Bohemian Like You

     Today I took a mental health day, which consisted of me sleeping till about three pm and then getting up and eating. I could say it was a pretty good day, it was easy and nothing much happened. Except if I said that I would be lying. Let me tell you somethings about taking a mental health day:

• You have taken this day to completely relax. By doing so, you should probably stay in and watch British TV while drinking chai, sleeping, or writing a blog post. When I say it 's a day to completely relax I mean it! Don't get up and shower (unless you really have to), don't socialize with friends, don't go on facebook and chat (stalking people is okay but don't update status' and sh*t), don't do anything that would make you stress or regret getting out of bed.
• When relaxing for yourself, you have so much free time (another reason why you took the day off) to think! DO IT! Don't be afraid to just take the day to think about current situations in your life that need to reevaluated. I can assure you, after you rethink about a problem or area of stress in your life and you go out the next day, you will be feeling better about the situation. Plus you'll have a fresh feeling of life.
• Try to take a bath. The brilliant minded poet, Sylvia Plath once said, “There must be quite a few things that a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.” Do it! (And I will be jealous since I can't here in the dorms :[)
• Eat whatever the f*ck you want! Like honestly, it's your one day to not give a single f*ck from the world. So feel free to eat that candy you just collected this Monday from Halloween, or eat the remaining pieces of chocolate that you didn't hand out on Monday.

      So there are a few tips that I think are very, very helpful when you just need to take a mental health day and get away from everything. I, of course (tried) to do all of those, and I found myself sleeping most of it, which isn't bad because I really needed to catch up on sleep from the weekend. I did also notice when I was sleeping that my dreams some how were figuring things out for me. It was like I was watching some weird abstract movie of the current situations I was in and they solved themselves out. Or they gave me ideas of how to solve what needed to be solved.
      I woke up with this amazing feeling of feeling refreshed and new (but also terribly groggy), and I knew what I had to do with certain things in my life. It was as if something knew today was the day that things were to be figured out. Which brought me back to a night out by the river with friends. I sat out by the river, away from everyone, the smell of alcohol and cigarettes lingered with the wind and I looked up to the stars. I caught myself doing something I rarely ever do.

      I prayed.

      I prayed that someone or something just give me a sign of what to do. What was I going to do with all of this that had just been kind of dumped on me? I knew I wasn't going to ever get a sign back, since I rarely caught on to any of them before. Yet, today I woke up and I knew that my life was finally giving me signs that I could see. Someone or something answered me and they guided me to where my answers lie.
      That was when I sat myself down and reevaluated all these situations and I knew what I had to do.
      It's a funny thing, how one moment you are praying to the stars, your life feeling like sh*t, and not knowing if you could ever feel happy again. Then the next thing you know you feel like you have all of the answers.
      So the next time your weekend was too crazy, or you had a day/week from hell and you need to get away, don't feel bad for calling in sick or sleeping through your classes. Take sometime for you, because things will soon look up.

Oct 25, 2011: It Does NOT Get Better

A very important person once told me, “It gets worse before it gets better.” I since then used that as a personal 'motto' for when my life seemed really rough. I would always tell myself, when things got a little too rough for me that it does get better, I just have to wait till this is over. I felt better after I told myself this, knowing that it would get better.

It was soon that I saw the effects of telling myself that. Things seemed to be looking up and I was feeling really really great! I thought I was going to go slowly up hill again and I would feel great like I used to. False.

Let's play a game of true and false, it's really easy, I'll tell you something, you say true or false then I'll give you the right answer.

1. Friends are a good source to go to when you are feeling down. True.

2. You will find a guy that likes you. True.

3. That guy wants to get to know you. False.

4. All that guy wants is in your pants. True.

5. It gets worse before it gets better. False.

If there is one thing I've learned these past two or more weeks: It doesn't get better! People are lying to you when they say that. You will never get back up to that euphoric feeling in life again, it's a once in a lifetime f*cking peak that lasts for a month and then you are back on your ass. You can try as hard as you can but the good things that come in your life are all just fake! They are just heartbreaks in disguise. Don't trust ANYONE!

So my advice for you, keep that plastic mask you call happy close by, cause you are going to need it.

Oct 16, 2011: Whiskey Lulla-byes

     There is something about getting drunk of Jagermister and a bunch of other alcohols that make you wake up and smell the morning coffee, so to speak. Sure it's all fun and games while you are there with friends drinking, stumbling, peeing, scaring, and playing apples to apples, it's what happens after that's the sad realization that you are destined in life to go absolutely no where.       It's the part where you are walking back to your dorm at four in the morning while you're friends are up in a bed room sleeping/hooking up, whatever one they are doing, that you realize how alone you really are. The lonely walk back gives you mucho time to think, and since you are more sober than you were before, however you are still extremely drunk, you think and think... and think. Then it gets to be too much.
     It's not until you are back on campus and there is a lonely little bench by a rock and a tree, where a lonely little light illuminates it in all of it's lonely glory-ness. It's the only thing you know you can confide in. So you do. It also really gives a whole literal meaning to being caught between a rock and a hard place, which also gives it this weird ironic sense of being there too.
     It's where you look up at the moon and say her name that you realize, how much of a terrible person you are and that you are not going anywhere in life. At first though you don't want to believe yourself in what you just said to yourself. Yet when that first tear drops down your face and lands on your hand resting on your lap that you realize yet again, that it's all true.
     It's the fact that you come back to your room in hope to be quiet, clean your new peircing then go to bed that you find out that you're roommate has moved out with out telling you. You are now alone in this once seemingly small room. Your thoughts float about and you are not quite sure what to do with yourself. So you sit down, in the middle of the room and you cry. You seem like you are crying for hours when in fact it's only been minutes. The entire time you've been questioning your whole existence and how your life is not going to go anywhere. Again, this could just still be from being intoxicated.
     That is when you put open up your laptop and start playing your “Lovesick” playlist on i-Tunes, then you cry some more, knowing that you've never been loved and will probably never be loved. No matter what everyone tells you. In that moment of your life, you are completely alone. It's the sad realization in which you started drinking in the first place. Now you wonder though, did you drink because you didn't want to feel anything, or because you wanted to feel something that you never had?
      Sarah McLachlan plays deerily in the background while you go through of list of things that you need to do now. This mental list takes its toll and you even though you don't want to have to do any of what is on it, you know you must. Things on this list seem like they are going to be harder than the actually are, however, in the end you won't reget any of it, or at least you hope you don't, since regret is one thing in life you can only rely on anymore.

      You can only hope to see what tomorrow morning brings you while you are slowly falling asleep while typing a blog post for your readers, or lack of. But somewhere deep down inside you know everything will be okay, yet there is a voice in the back of your head that tells you it will all end here.

xoxo
JW

Look it at what I gots!!!

I MADE A PHOTOGRAPHY PROFILE ON BOOKFACE!
CHECK IT OUT AND LIKE IT AND STUFF!!!
K LOVES YOU ALL! <3
xoxo
JW

Oct 10, 2011: WWED? (What Would Effy Do?)

     I am in a bit of a pickle. Here's the sich: I have this roommate right? Well he's a good roommate, despite the fact that sometimes he puts all of his shit in the middle of the floor and also rarely talks to me, but a good roommate none the less. However, recently he has just talked to me about him moving in with his friend “Nate” (names have been changed to protect the innocent...or the guilty as charged.) and “Nate” apparently doesn't like his roommate... Or so they both say. So they approached me with the situation and I was O.K with him moving out, like honestly, I couldn't care less. It wasn't until today that it has now gotten down to something more....

     I don't quite recall a lot of what he said but in the end he said, “There is a kid on the third floor that doesn't have a roommate just to keep in mind.” Which translates to, “I want you to move out of this room so that I can have it for my friend and I.” Which comes down to the problem, or pickle as I have stated earlier. To move out or to not move out?

      Well, let us look at what is going through my head at this point in time. The first thing I thought was, “WWED?”, or “What Would Effy Do?” (That is Effy Stonem from the hit British TV series Skins if you don't know.) I decided, Effy would go out, do a crap ton of drugs and dance to some dubstep while majorly tripping. Then she would assess the situation and probably tell my roommate to not be a “Cunt” and that he should “move his ass out.” So I thought that maybe not the best way to handle this situation...

     I then realized, I was placed in this room originally with a different roommate, who then happened to be a football player and wanted to room with another player which was fine by me. It wasn't until he was on a different list that I have gotten my current roommate. So therefore, I have gotten this room first and I don't think that I should have to move, since I was paying for the room first. But that sounds a bit childish, but right now is my number one reason why I am not moving out.

     I then called my friend and told her the situation and she told me to tell him off and stay in the room. Her response to the situation was pretty much a combination of the first and the second response. Which I do agree, however, the telling him off part I will do in a much nicer manner, I'm sure.

     When it comes down to it, if he has a problem with me or current rooming assignment, then he should have to move. Like I said before hand, I was in this room first technically and why should I have to move out if I was put in this room originally?

     Also I do have to say I love the fact that I'm writing this while he is right in front of me in the room while on his phone. Surely thinking, “Damn, he's not going to move and I'm going to be stuck in this pickle for longer...” Which, is true because I'm not moving and that's final! But I'm not going to break the news to him until tomorrow. That way he can have this slight hope and then have it crushed when I tell him I'm not moving. I'm smiling on the inside and out about my choice!

Until next time...

xoxo

JW

HAPPY NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!!!

October 6, 2011: Young, Broke and Fabulous!

Last night I cried myself to sleep. My life right? Let me tell you what, It's not easy being a college student. It's not all glitz and glamor as the movies and TV shows depict it. It's gritty, mean, and a down right swift kick in the ass. However, not all of college is bad, the fact that you are pretty much free to do whatever you want is the nice thing. You just have to be careful that you don't get carried away with all the freedom and things don't go south to fast.
Back to me crying myself to sleep. You may be asking why? What happened in the life of Jerry that made you cry yourself to sleep? Or you are probably not giving a single shit and just want to read a pretty damn entertaining blog. Both of which I will provide you. This weekend someone very important to me died (no it was not Steve Jobs, although if I were a rabid apple fan I would be pretty damn bummed out). She really made me get out of my shell and helped me become who I am today. I know, I know, it's all pretty fucking cliché but hey, it's true. This lady was an inspiration for me and I even thought that maybe I would love to take her job, but then I realized I don't want to work with kids in any way.
Last night though, I felt a revelation that seemed to just sweep across me and I felt like I had not been good enough for her. What I mean by that is that I felt like I could have done better for her. I wasn't the best I could be at and I regret not emailing her back. It was like I finally realized she was gone. She was dead and never coming back, and I would never be able to thank her for all the things she's done for me. However, I'm hoping she some how knows this while looking down on me from her little stoop in heaven while I type this out.
I also cried for a number of other reasons, like the fact that I've never had a boyfriend, how my heart was stomped on many, many times, how I hated all this drama in “the group” here in college. I think I even cried a little because it was raining so damn much and I just wanted the sunshine back, also I looked at my recent bank account history and a tear came out...
I then had to take a moment and stop. Just stop. So I did, and I called my friend Cora back home and just had the best conversation of my life with her. It's funny how one person can make your whole night ten times better. It was then that I realized that maybe I was crying all for the wrong reasons. We all have so many troubles in our lives, I couldn't just sit in my bed and cry because I had a rough day. There are people out there that are having a rough life or have had a rough life. I had to stop. I had to get out of this funk and go on with life.
Important people die, but shouldn't mourn over their death, we should celebrate the life they lived and how they impacted peoples lives. Many people go their entire lifetime without finding the one, we just have to remember that there may be someone out there, we just have to wait for the right moment and keep looking with each rejection. Drama, fuck it! Face the drama and move on!
However, that bank account could be fixed by getting a job, in which I need mucho badly right now! But I guess that's the life of being young, broke and fabulous!

xoxo
JW

August 17, 2011: My relationship with Nutella and RuPaul's Drag Race

Recently I've been feeling, how do I put this... well to be blunt, unmotivated and lazy. However I've been forcing myself to get up, do yoga, and eat at least one meal a day (which is usually dinner.) Here is a little recap of what my weekend/ first part of the week has been like:

Went to OUTFEST, and to be honest, I was a little disappointed. Some booths were cool others were lame, there weren't very many people there and I was really actually disappointed. In my head, Cara Park was supposed to be filled with lots of gay people, booths of artists and what not. It wasn't. So Molly, Nina, Cora and I all ended up spending the day together around downtown Missoula, going into almost every shop down there and talking to a cute guy, seeing a hot cowboy, meeting a sweet girl, and seeing what Lady Gaga will look like when she is about 80. It was a good day; could have gone better by me not loosing my wallet and then locking Molly's keys in the car, but hey at least I got the keys out of the ignition and the car by using wire hangers through a small crack of the sun roof.
When I was doing a friends senior pictures, a certain guy texted me and told me he was going through Polson.... That was it. So then later one night he texted me: 'Passing through Polson again.' Which I replied: 'So are you coming to see me or something?' He replied: 'No.' I replied: 'Then why do you think I care?' It all ended in him calling me a douche bag and telling me I've been acting like an ass. Well I'm so sorry but I don't care if you are passing through Polson unless you are coming to see me! That's with anyone!
I'm doing about three peoples senior pictures this week. One of them today at four o'clock, then continuing tomorrow at six in the morning, then followed by some twins at eight in the morning... So I've been kind of busy due to that. But hey, at least I'm making some money!
It is one week till I move down to Missoula in my dorm and I'm super, super excited! It'll be my start to college life and I'm so ready for the move! Getting out of this disgustingly small hopeless town will do me some good in the romance department as well as finding a job and hopefully a career.

So that's been my life recently! Yeah, and on top of it I got a text message from facebook this morning about a message from one of my best friends dad. Now I'm going to go talk to her about what is going on and going to try to get her to tell him. I don't know if this could go horribly wrong, or delightfully right. I guess we'll just find out.

So now that I've informed you about my life and the happening-ness of it all, I'll tell you what's been going on through my head the past couple of weeks.

Now the past couple of weeks you all know I've been obviously dealing with a guy problem! Now most people resort to doing something about it! Like calling them and talking to them about it, or visiting them and talking to them about it. Anyway, it always resorts in them talking to them about it. Do you know how hard it is to talk this guy about anything! Like seriously! I'll text him and end up getting one word responses, or responses that don't ever answer the question. It's this stupid game he likes to play and it's starting to piss me off!

So like I was saying earlier, when someone is having troubles with a certain guy/girl in their life they usually resort to things such as working it out, talking about it, or even just talking to friends about it. Well I can certainly tell you that I'm so past all of those I'm down into the depression of the realism that it is forever over. And what do most girls do in a situation like this? That's right, stuff their face full of fatty, unhealthy, greasy foods all while watching a romantic comedy with girlfriends.

However I'm not a girl nor am I a typical male either. I resort to myself. The last thing I want to do is be around a bunch of people when I already feel so alone. I know I'd be with drawn from them and not want to do anything, and I don't want to be cheered up (Sometimes it's good to give it a few days to do wallow.) So what do I resort to?

Nutella and RuPaul's Drag Race.

If those are the two things you guessed, well you either stalk me late at night, or you know me way too well. Oh I also forgot to mention late night depressing posts on tumblr.

Yes, I have started a relationship with Nutella and RuPaul's Drag Race. It's sad I know, but what am I supposed to do? Get up and move on with my life? Psh, that seems like way to much work! Especially if that certain guy texts me and wants to know how I'm doing, it'll boost up his ego while I tell him that I'm degrading myself as a future lover to anyone!
Of course I could turn to friends, but I realized they are probably all sick of me telling them about him, and I know I am sick talking about him. So I turn to my good friends that can't judge me, Nutella and RuPaul's Drag Race.

However I know these relationships will not last either. I've only had my Nutella for about two days and I'm already almost out of it! As with RuPaul's Drag Race, there is only so many episodes and I'm halfway done!
Maybe when that relationship is done, with my hazelnutty spreadable goodness and my funny makeup caked TV show, I'll be able to reflect on my life and realize how worthless I was being. Thus deciding to forget all of those sad depressing days and telling myself I'm going to be better than all of that and I'm going to meet someone worth while in Missoula! (Did I mention I only have a week till I moved down there? I did? Oh well I'm saying it again!)

So if there is one thing I'm learning from this experience !(as well as from the wise words of Emilie Autumn) 'gentlemen aren't nice,' but Nutella and a reality competitive TV show about Drag Queens can brighten anyone's day!

August 11, 2011 (part two): Dear _____________, Goodbye Forever you Motherfu...

Dear ______________,

I would like to inform you that I have deleted you off facebook. You maybe wondering to yourself why? What did I do, again? Or I'm hoping you are asking yourself that even though you are probably going, “Oh meh God... he is such a drama queen, whateves, I'm gonna go find another guy to screw.” So I'm going to make this as long and painful as possible for you to read! Now to the fact if you are actually going to read it, I have no f*cking clue! Part of me hopes you do and the other part hopes you don't. Then I realized, I don't give a f*ck if you do, because I want you out of my life!

Let's begin.

I remember when I first laid eyes on you at the ________ concert. I was dancing next to my friends in my “hot girl disguise” (thanks Jenna Marbles), when I turned and saw you stand right next to us. It was crazy to see someone so amazingly hot at first and I had to tell everyone about you. So of course I did. We then proceeded to befriend you, holding your stuff, dancing with you, leading you up to the front with us and what not. It wasn't until a couple days after that you finally added my friend on facebook and I added you.

I was so ecstatic to meet someone like you because it usually never ever happens to someone like me. A “cute” gay boy from rural Montana, who's been sheltered all his life from the endless possibilities of the gay dating world. So we texted each other, we got to know each other; I would hope to think, but I honestly think you got to know me more than I got to know you.

Anyways, after countless of weeks texting each other and what not, we finally met up in _________. My friends and your friend got to know each other very well but we were forced to just kind of go on with everyone else, making it very awkward and embarrassing and what not. However you continued to dazzle me with asking me to come see you.

Finally one night I did! We had a blast, or, again, I would like to think so. We ended up the night laying next to each other in very uncomfortable positions but our heads seemed to touch and never wanted to be apart. By the way, I kept forgetting to tell you how cute your snores were. I realize now they aren't so cute anymore.

Later the next day one thing led to another and bing, bang, boom! We left each other after our little moment of sheer bliss, or, yet again, I would like to think so. After that you never bothered to contact me for about, I don't know, two weeks. Then I tried to ask you what we were, you didn't know; I didn't know but I knew what I wanted so I kept after it. I failed like I usually do and I think I only made you hate me. With each text I would send and the non-response, or lack of one, I could feel you slipping away from my grasps. Soon everything just ended.

I never came to turns with it ending the way it did; I was still on mission to get you to like me. It didn't work out so well. I cried over you. I wept, groaned, howled, grieved over how I lost this battle that seemed like I was only fighting. Then it all became clear one night when I had a dream that I was telling you off, and let me tell you, it was a good dream. After I had it, I literally texted my friend and told her to delete your number from her phone, for she was holding it for me when I deleted your phone number my phone but then wanted it back again. I then deleted every message between you and I. Thus resulting in deleting you off facebook, again.
Now I wanted to tell you why I was deleting you, but my friends were right; Why should I have to tell you why I'm deleting you? Who cares if you are upset or not about it? Then I wrote this letter to tell you why I did it and why I realized you and me really can't be.

You see, I get why it didn't work. Not only is it because you are a Taurus and I, a Gemini, but I made you feel something. I made you feel like there was really someone else in this world that could take care of you and make you feel like someone actually cared about you, besides your friends obviously. You've done it many times, opened up only to be heart broken by the guy that you feel so desperately for. So you didn't open up, however I was getting you too, little by little and you felt taken aback by it.

So finally you had me where you wanted me; you a mermaid and I a sailor, you lured me into the dark depths of the ocean with your intimidating song. After our time together you realized I was falling for you and you couldn't fall for me. You had been hurt so many times before by people who had done the same, you subconsciously did the same. You got rid of me before you had to open up and be hurt; instead of you getting hurt in the end, it was me who was left heart broken and dead, floating for the next boat to find my beaten carcass.

You liked me, but you knew you couldn't. You gave me the excuse that we were too far apart, but you never tried. You didn't want to be heartbroken again, so you broke my heart instead. You moved on so easily with your life and frankly, I envy you for it. For here I am, writing my last letter to you telling you all my feelings about what happened. I know you are probably like woah, he is such a f*cking crazy person! I'm so glad we didn't get together.

Now all of the above I could be totally wrong, but it's what I gather from what happened from the whole thing. I wanted this to be my last goodbye to you, knowing though, that you probably will never read it and that is fine by me. I just want you to know that I did care about you, but you f*cked it up. It wasn't me, like I thought while I sat here in my bed at 2 in the morning weeping over how I could have ruined it. It was all you.

So goodbye ______________. Oh, and F*CK YOU!

Have a wonderful life, and I hope you find someone as shallow as yourself.

XOXO forever,
Jerry

August 11, 2011: 35 reasons why I can't get a guy.

Today wasn't good. I'm not going to go into details, mainly because this is not one of those types of posts. However, this Saturday I'm excited to be going down to OUTFEST in Missoula with Cora and Molly. We will be meeting up with Nina, Devan, and Haley down there. So I'm pretty stoked for it and I'm ready.

Cora and I decided it was going to be good for me because, well first of all it'll be oozing gays out of every pore in Missoula, so that way we can find me a nice guy, who wants me more than to just to use me. So I'm on the hunt for guys, but I don't know how it's going to go... After crying for a good hour over how much my love life sucks, I began thinking of why it does. Why am I so terrible at getting guys to like me? Psh, to even remotely look at me! So here is a list of reasons why I can't seem to get a guy:

1. I'm socially awkward.
2. I've grown up in a small town with a huge lack of LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender) culture.
3. I've never had a real relationship.
4. I scare away just about every new person I meet.
5. I scare away just about every new person I meet because I'm socially awkward.
6. I might be slightly mentally handicapped.
7. My best friend is a dog...
8. I am too fat...
9. I'm too skinny?
10. I get attached easily.
11. I'm a Gemini... yeah I don't know what that has to do with anything...
12. I get over emotional watching movies about Japanese Vampires.
13. I get over emotional watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
14. I'm too god-damn over emotional.
15. I'm too nerdy.
16. I think I'm going crazy... or I've been crazy... that doesn't really seem to fly too much with guys now-a-days.
17. I believe the aliens, while testing my body late at night and rupturing a nerve that makes me unmotivated, also put in a chip in my head to make me seem unappealing to the male population.
18. I'm uglier than I thought I was.
19. I wish I could have had a relationship with one of the Hardy Boys.
20. I'm loud.
21. I'm obnoxious.
22. I'm loud and obnoxious. (Which is why I'm socially awkward and scare people away.)
23. I was born with a some sort of disease that makes me think I'm beautiful when I look at myself but I'm really hideous like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
24. I am the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
25. I laugh at my own jokes.
26. I'm not as funny as I think I am.
27. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too gay?
28. I realized... I'm too gay.
29. I'm sexually frustrated.
30. I have no life.
31. I like to facebook stalk people.
32. Whenever I find someone I like, I follow them while singing, “Prisoner” by Jeffree Star quietly.
33. I'm terrible at flirting. (Honestly, I'm pretty sure they think I'm mentally handicapped.)
34. I'm dead and I'm a ghost so they don't seem me and I'm just lingering around this world waiting for my true love that will never come. So now I'll be stuck forever and I can't move on!
35. I'm not sexually appealing, you'd rather bring me home to your parents rather than throw me down and ravish me on your kitchen table... I have needs you know!

So that is it, those are all the reasons why I can't get a guy... or so I think so. Maybe something great will happen. Life will mysteriously go up in this long elevator ride to whatever floor it wants to go! So I can't wait for Saturday... I only hope I'm not too damn socially awkward like usual...

August 9, 2011: 35 reasons why I'm unmotivated.

For the past two days, I have done nothing. I've woken up at around two in the afternoon to find myself, completely unmotivated. Actually, now that I think about it, I've been like this the past... well whenever my friend Cora left. I don't know why either... there is just something about having someone practically making you do things that just makes you motivated to actually do things.

I have a few reasons why I'm so unmotivated, all of which some people (like my mother, grandmother and the rest of the women in my family) will find completely illegitimate. However I find all the reasons perfectly logical.

1. Sometime during the night aliens took me up into their spaceship and did special tests on me to gain more knowledge about humans. However, while in the process of doing their tests on me, they struck a nerve somewhere in my brain that made me not want to do anything at all.
2. Sometime during the night, my body was invaded by tiny microscopic men that took control of my brain and is making me not want to do anything at all.
3. Instead of men it was little tiny microscopic women...
4. My brain is fried from all the hairspray I've used throughout my life and now it's finally taking it's toll.
5. I blame tumblr.
6. I blame friends on tumblr.
7. Late night texting to friends on tumblr.
8. Late night texting to friends.
9. I'm secretly stuck in a government testing site where they are using weird sleeping methods on me so I don't want to do anything at all.
10. I'm possessed.
11. I've finally gone crazy.
12. Love has finally got me down... (one of the more logical ones actually)
13. A vampire has come into my room at night to feed off me and then I'm drained all day... (oh puns.)
14. Mind control.
15. I have no life.
16. I have no life with friends who all have a job.
17. I don't have a job.
18. I'm just bored.
19. I'm broke.
20. I'm tired.
21. I'm bored, broke, and tired.
22. I blame the heat of the summer...
23. I eat too much?
24. I don't eat enough?
25. Someone has poisoned our water supply and I'm slowly dying.
26. Someone has poisoned our food and I'm slowly dying.
27. I have skin cancer and I'm slowly dying.
28. That Vampire that feeds off me is killing me a little each time he feeds and so I'm slowly dying.
29. I blame the economy... for making me not eat enough so that I'm slowly dying.
30. I'm dying... slowly....
So those are my reasons why I've been so unmotivated... maybe if I had a boyfriend or even someone living with me (that isn't my mother), I would be apt to doing much more with my time this summer, but with the internet and the hot hot days, I'm tired all the time and seem to just be unmotivated.

Well... let's hope it'll change soon!

I blog to express, not impress.

August 4, 2011: I'm not crazy I swear...

So lately I've been posting some serious stuff. I feel like I was going through a dark phase in my life, and it seems to happen to me sometimes. I wouldn't call it bi-polar or manic depression, but I would like to think that maybe somewhere deep down I am? Or maybe it's just the way I am. I am a Gemini and you know what they say about Gemini's!

… Yeah me either...

Anyways, I want to tell you what I was thinking and my thoughts during what I like to call my “Dark hours.” It's not a happy thought and I know a lot of you are gonna be like, 'Oh meh gah, he is such a fake and just looking for attention.' I'm not. The last thing I want to be seen as is an attention-seeker like my cousin. I want to open up to you all so I can get this off my chest and so, like I say in almost every other single post, that kids, teens, young adults, or even struggling adults, can learn from me and know that there is someone like them out there! That I'm here for them, for you!

For as long as I can remember I've always thought about death. I'm sure we all have, but we always dismiss it because we grow up learning you go to 'heaven' or 'hell.' Sometimes we are taught we rot in the ground and what not, other times we are taught we come back as something else and go through the stages of getting back into human form. It all really depends on where and how you grew up, with the affect or lack of affect of religion.
You see, I was always told, you go to 'heaven' or 'hell,' but I never really believed that. Well at first, sure I did, it was what mommy and everyone told me, that's how it had to be. Of course we grow and we open our eyes, or at least some of us do, and I kept thinking about it. I thought of every possible explanation I could come up with in my small, uneducated brain.
It wasn't until I was having problems with questioning my sexuality that I really thought about killing myself. I was, I don't know about fifth grade when these thoughts started coming into my head. It all started because of one kid that just bugged me more than the others about being who I was. I then would always just think about it and think about it. I thought, maybe everyone's life would be easier if I was just gone. I even thought, no one would miss me, or no one would even noticed if I was gone. You see at that time we were going through a big mess with my cousin. So you see, I had a perfect time to think about it. I was the one in the family that was never good enough; I did something right no one noticed, I did something wrong, no one forgot!
It wasn't until that day in Quinn's class (as stated in my July 16 blog post) that I really wanted to kill myself to get out of this mess I created for myself. Like I said, I obviously didn't because of a certain person who spoke up and helped me, even if he doesn't know that he did.
It was later on in high school that I realized I don't want to kill myself. I never wanted to kill myself... I just wanted to... die? Yes, I just wanted to die. I knew I couldn't and wouldn't kill myself. If there was just a way that I could just die, I know I would be in a better place.
That's the way I think. I don't know how to explain it really, it's just this feeling that I want to die. I think about it every day, and I mean every day. It's just some days I'm happier than others, like most people. But I know that if I could just die, life would be a lot easier, and maybe it's because I wouldn't have to deal with it.

In other words, I'm not suicidal, even though I have tendencies to want to so it would just be easier.

Take in the words of Sylvia Plath from her book The Bell Jar page 147 in the Paperback version by Haper Perennial.
“But when it came down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.”

I don't know how else to explain it. Maybe one day I'll die young like Sylvia, after making a huge mark on the world in some way. But we all know they don't care until you're dead.

In other words...

Everyone, don't worry about me! I'm fine and just go on and live your life! Don't worry about me! I'll be fine...

August 3, 2011: I think I'm crazy...

I think I've gone mad.
I ran away today. No one was home and I somehow found my way back, so I guess I didn't really run away. I had the intention to at least. That's what matters isn't it? What was I running from you may ask? Well ladies and gentleman come in close, I'm sure though, that it will come to you as no surprise. I was running from life.

How silly, absurd, lunatic, crazy, ridiculous, idiotic, illogical, inane, foolish.

But it's not.

I ran away today from life. I woke up and piled through the mountain of grimy clothes in my hamper, hoping to find something I only wore once from the past two weeks. I was unsuccessful but I didn't care. I figured, if I'm running away, why does it matter what I look like? They are always going to just look for me. My face will stay the same, my physical features.

I ran away today from the fear of life and returning to it. So I went to the obvious place where life doesn't much dwell. The graveyard. There I could freely think without the cloud of judgment surrounding me like the Police who had just caught a harbored fugitive. But in some way I was a fugitive. I was running from my very existence, as if it was the law and I had broken it and I was running far, far, far away from it so I wouldn't have to put up with it for the rest of my miserable life. Like I said earlier, logically the graveyard was the only place I knew I could go to be safe. Life does not much care for bodies that are rotting in the ground; becoming food for the organisms that have broken into the coffins.

When I arrived of course there was no movement in the hallow place where bodies rest. No movement, no life. Headstone after headstone I kept walking to the furthest part. I came upon the hill that overlooked the town. I saw the sunshine down upon the lake and I watched it as it reflected off in little sparks into my swollen eyes. I looked down. It was a long way down from the top to the road that led to some suburban houses on the way. I thought of jumping.

Surely if I had jumped it would be quite instant of a death. I also thought, what if I landed wrong? I could still be alive and have to live on paralyzed and broken. A thought then crossed my mind, how long would it take them to find me? I soon found my answer when an old man came out across his yard toward the road to his mailbox. It would be all of maybe two hours and the police would be called and everything would go to shit. What if I did it now? The old man out there, getting mail would surely not be ready for a body to come just out of the sky and land in front of him. Either he would take it as a sign from god that the world was about to end or have a heart attack and it could be a week till they found the pair of us, that was if he was not married. I kept peering over the edge. The old man walked back into his house. I missed my opportunity. Next time... maybe.

I took a step back and headed to a headstone and rested against it. The name was too worn off for me to talk to it by name. So I gave it a name, I named it Hanson. It was the only letter I could make out from the worn part. I sat there and I talked to this Hanson.
“Hey there Hanson, how's it goin'?” Was this the proper way to start a conversation with a dead guy? 'Hey I know you're dead and all but how's life treatin' ya?'
I got no response anway, so I kept talking.
“You know Hanson, I was wondering what it's like to be dead? Do you go off into a light and find yourself in 'heaven' looking down on everyone? Do we look like ants from up there?”
Again, I received no reply. I kept going.
“I think I might be ready.” Now I don't think it's weird to talk to a grave of someone you obviously don't know, especially if you don't know their real name because it was worn off. However, if a bunch of people were there, I'm sure they would want to have me committed. I would be able to feel their judgment stabbing me in my bony back, then they would go on to talk about it later and then happen to tell their friends that they saw this crazy guy talking to a grave alone today. This is why I liked the graveyard, nobody judges you, because no body is alive!

“I've been thinking about it a lot and something inside me feels like it's just time you know?”
I kept talking and talking. I talked about politics. I talked about my life story. I talked about my wretched cousin that I hate so much. I talked about how love always seems to bite me in the ass. I talked about how I don't know if I'm ready for college. I talked about what made me happy, what made me sad, what made me angry and what made me ready to die.
I found out Hanson wasn't really much of a talker. I was okay with that though, I needed someone to listen. Someone who couldn't put their opinion into the matter and get tired of listening to me. I'm sure though up in 'Heaven' he was either listening or yelling at me to shut the fuc.......

“Is it worth it?”

…....

I think I've gone mad.
Or maybe I've become sane?
It really depends on the way you look at it, I guess.
I realized after my talk to Hanson. I am trapped. In a bell jar, much of that like Sylvia Plath. There is an invisible force field that makes me want to just quit and give up. Sometimes it's lifted up to let me go on a few steps, then drop when I've gone all the steps I can take.

“to the person in The Bell Jar, black and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.”

July 25, 2011: Dear ______, Thanks for breaking my heart.

Outside the wind howls like the sad cry of a lonely owl. The dark sky illuminates every few minutes with a flash of what I can only imagine is a giant dragon fight that is going on above my head. The fantasy of life swirls around me with the dust and leaves. Leaves that have fallen in a disarray of depression that haunts them like it does me. I look up to the sky and see all of this beauty going on and it makes me smile. However, this isn't a smile of happiness...

It's funny how I keep thinking about you, knowing damn well and good that you aren't thinking about me. After our 'adventure', or whatever you want to call what we did, I sat in my room every damn day waiting for my phone to buzz. Those special words that said “NEW TEXT MESSAGE FROM _______.” But no. Nothing came, and day after day my friends would say, 'No, wait for him to text you.' So I did, but did you text? No. Did you call? No. Did you even facebook my ass? No. I just didn't understand why?!

Finally I make the move, you never seem to want to talk. I bring out my feelings, you take offense. Why? What did I do? I only heard the lyrics to I'm Still Breathing by Katy Perry in my head.

“Maybe I was too pale,
Maybe I was too fat,
Maybe you had better, better luck in the sack.”

So finally after a good two weeks, we broke things off. You didn't want to get committed, and I saw what I was to you. I was a bag of goods, someone to get you off. I was a back up plan after your last 'relationship' was not going the way you wanted.
Thanks for using me asshole!
Maybe one night stands should stay one night stands?

Now I sit here, looking up at this mess up in the sky and only seeing beauty because it reminds me of my soul. The fight that is inside of me, conflicting wars of wanting to remember you but trying to push you away at the same time.

What really hurts the most, I think, is the fact that you could move on with your life so easily. While I put on this fake smile and parade around like I never met you in my life. I delete you from my contacts, I 'de-friend' you on facebook. But everyday I'm faced with remembering the things we did and loving every moment of it, wishing I didn't! It was so easy for you to get rid of me, maybe you can spill your secrets so that I can get rid of you!

The sky illuminates the fear in my eyes while I watch it. A war of dragons is what I want to think, but I know that it's all inside.
Thanks for ruining my life.

People like this...

So I got an email the other day about my blog post (click here to read it) and I started crying when I read it! This person's strength and amazingness is just pure bliss to me. People like this make me know life is worth living. Thank you!

~Message I recieved~
Ok. So...I just read your July 16th blog (late I know and I'm sorry) but I wanted to thank you. I mean throughly THANK YOU for putting that up there. I was that kid. I was the kid who got picked on I got shoved into walls and I got told I would go nowhere in life. My freshman and sopomore year was the years that I hated the most. And because of my hatred for my class and school in general I started to do something similar to cutting but not really. What I did was erased my skin. Yea..icky to the core. I took a pencil eraser and created friction between my skin and the eraser and my skin peeled off. Hurt but healed at the same time. And I used to write my feelings down until my folks found the notebook and punished me. I ended up contemplating suicide much like you and I wanted to thank you for posting that blog. Because of that blog it made me realize that its not just me who contemplated suicide. Its not just the tv stars making a big statement for big bucks. It happens to all of us. and because of your post I have begun to realize that I am not alone and that however few these friends may be they do exsist and they much like you would do anything for anyone. Thank you for helping me and making me realise that you are a better man than you can ever be given credit for. I hope that you eventually get credit because you deserve it. Thank you again and again and again...

July 21, 2011: Dear Depression, You suck.

The sick feeling that my old friend depression is near, and has been lingering above my head for a couple days. That presence that overwhelms you from what you were planning on doing the day before, as you wake up, drained of any life what so ever. You are weak and powerless. You can barely open your eyes or get up out of bed to take care of the dog that is yelling in your ear. He cries for attention. Food.
He makes everything become a blur. You can barely hear the dog, you can barely feel the touch of your sheets rubbing between your stubbly legs; your body is insensible from the Novocaine that depression as secretly tapped in you. He is hooked up to you like an IV, dripping small amounts of what feels like death into your veins. No matter the obstacles, you try and try to get up.
It's a personal victory when you do get out of bed though; however, his presence is still right next to you, numbing your emotions. You have to piss and when you are done, you have no energy to get up off the toilet, and you think to yourself, 'I should take a shower today.' As you think about it, he is right by your ear, whispering ever so lightly, 'Eh, I could just do it tomorrow, today will be a lazy day... just like yesterday... and the day before...' You seem to agree with the small voice in your mind.
Everywhere you go your own house it is like he oozes down the walls, covering them in a thick layer of sorrow. You look around at what you could do to preoccupy yourself, get away from depression just for a minute. You think about calling your friends and hanging out, he whispers again, 'Hm... Nah, They'll probably just talk about ______ all day, it'll be boring. What would we do in Polson? Go to the lake? Yeah right,boring?' Yet you want to be around someone, just to know you are not alone.
You never realize how alone you are until you are in a room full of people. Then it gets depressing. No matter how hard you want to get rid of depression, he never fully leaves. He just stays in the shadows, waiting for the right point in your life to lunge like a pernicious snake. Poisoning you slowly until you are too weak to suck out the poison. That's when your only hope lays with a friend to help you out of the paralyzed state he has left you in. Even then, I don't know if that will be enough...

July 16, 2011:My Funeral

It's officially July 16th, so I don't have to seem like a derp for writing two blogs in technically the same day...

Anyhoo... I was stalking tumblr, like I do. Going through pages and pages of pictures of half naked men, beautiful photography, ridiculous gifs of Lady Gaga, some type of porn it seems like, and very depressing posts about being ugly... and I stumbled upon this:

I want to get hurt. A car accident, anything. I want to get injured enough to wind up in a hospital, just to see if anyone would come to make sure I'm okay. And I'd pretend to be sleeping or dying so in case anyone actually did come, they would sit at the edge of my bed, crying, and tell me everything. I want to hear everything they've ever thought of me, how they really feel, if they're sorry for anything. I just want to know the truth. And I want to know who truly cares about me.
I always think about this. I always think that no one will show up because im not important enough.
That's it.
It really got me thinking, how many times have I ever imagined hurting myself to see if what this is saying would happen. People coming in, either in groups or one at a time, to see my mangled body and confess something, or even just to hear them cry. I don't know if that's too morbid, but it's how mine, and apparently other peoples, mind works!
Here is a story for you all, since I do enjoy telling them... even if they are very very hard to let out, like this one is going to be. But I want that is why I have this blog, for people to know what I've gone through so they don't have to feel alone, they can know of someone that felt the same, did the same, whatever. I want people to know I'm here for them and that they really aren't alone. Even if I'm a total stranger...
…
But before I go on, I want everyone to know this one thing, I am not looking for attention. I do not crave unlike certain family members of mine. I learned by growing up, to keep things to yourself... so I want you to know. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm not looking for someone to ask if I'm okay, because obviously I am. Or at least I think I am. I'm not just saying this to get some sort of reaction. So remember that when you read this.
I'm about to open up something I've never told anyone in my entire life, and it may not seem like it because it's all typed out, but I'm having a very hard time typing this... tears are literally streaming down my face right now...
Here it goes...
…
My freshman year I was going through a very very hard time. I mean really my entire high school “career” sucked major balls, but some years were harder than others, and I think freshman year was specifically tough. I came out freshman year and that's when the bullying and teasing; taunting and harassment, really came out the most.
All I remember most of my freshman year was... “I want to die.” That and about how happy I was that I had Mrs. Moore as a teacher. She cared about me and accepted me with open arms about who I was. Anyways... I remember one particular day, and I will never ever forget it, that I was in Mr. Quinn's class for freshman science (Earth Science for those of you who go to Polson.) I never paid attention in his class because he would basically give us all the answers anyways during tests and worksheets. I remember earlier that day kids bumped into me and said, “Faggot,” “Move queer,” “Ferry Jerry.”
Of course I ignored them and tried to show them and the kids who were watching that I was strong, better than them by not giving in to crying. But on the inside I was crying... On the inside I was killing myself however many different ways so I could be in “Heaven,” or my view of “Heaven,” knowing I'd be happier there.
When I was in Quinn's class I stayed there in my seat, not wanting to move at all. I stared at my notebook page, blank like my expression. I took out a red pen and started scribbling. I still have the piece of paper today actually. In my old Earth Science notebook I used more for doodles than I did for actual notes. I wrote, “I JUST WANT TO DIE.” And I kept writing it, etching it hard into my notebook. I then stopped and thought about going home and taking a knife to my wrists. I was wondering where I would do it, I figured, no matter how cliché, I would do it in the bathroom so it'd be less of a clean up for mom. Then I got thinking...
….
How could I leave my mom? She has done everything and was so strong for me throughout my entire life. I imagined her expression as she walked into the house to see my pale body floating in my blood. I wanted to start crying. I felt the tears start but I held them back. I couldn't just start crying for no reason in the middle of Mr. Quinn giving a “lecture.” People already thought I was too much of a fag, I couldn't give them reason to start more stuff about me.
I then thought about what it would be like if I swallowed pills instead. Her reaction was still the same...
It's crazy how you can do that. You know, live with someone long enough, or know them long enough, to know their exact reaction to any type of scenario. Well I've become pro at it with my mothers...
I then thought, what about my funeral? Who would show up? Evy no doubt, and Cj too probably. Would Kathy? How about Jennifer and Billy? And then I pictured their expressions, Kathy's was the worse because at the time we were best friends. I wondered who else would even show up to my funeral? Would my family be ashamed because I was gay and killed myself? Isn't that like a double whammy for going to hell?
I wanted to burst into tears about that time. Thankfully the bell rung. A kid stopped me before we left class. I'm not going to name a name, but he really helped me that day. He stopped me and said, “Jerry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for anything I've ever said to you or about you. I'm... sorry.”
He apparently saw what I was writing all over my notebook when I was spacing off about everything...
I went to the bathroom, locked myself into a stall and cried. I was late for my next class, which thankfully was math with Mrs. Moore. She didn't mind. I think she could tell I was crying.
…
Okay, now that that's over... and taking me about almost an hour to write it... I want to tell you all that it's okay to think, “I wonder if I hurt myself, who would show up?” I want you all to know I would show up and probably be crying my eyes out, but I just hope no one would want to really find out by seriously harming themselves.
I think sometimes we all need a little reassurance about who would come to our bed in a hospital, or to a funeral and what they would be like.
I love you all. Remember that always.

Summer 2011 Playlist Part Three (The Travel Playlist)

1. Don't Stop Believing- Journey
2. Voulez-Vous- ABBA
3. House of the Rising Sun- Bob Dylan
4. Bulletproof- La Roux
5. Dog Days are Over- Florence and the Machine
6. Bad Moon Rising- Creedence Clearwater Revival
7. Proud Mary- Tina Turner
8. Bad Things- Jace Everett
9. If I could Turn Back Time- Cher
10. Bohemian Rhapsody- Emilie Autumn
11. Kick-Ass- Mika
12. On the Road Again- Willie Nelson

July 15, 2011: Dear Knight in Shining Armor, Where are thee?

I sit outside, watching the few cars that go down my street pass by. I only hope that one of them might be a strapping young lad that has by chance stumbled upon my house, and wants to take me to some magical place. However I know that, that is not the case. No matter how much I want it to be. I also know if I did go with this strapping young lad I just met, that things would turn rocky, and our relationship would soon become as confusing as a Sodku puzzle. (Yes I do find them confusing, Math sucks.)

That's the thing about relationships... or the things that lead up to relationships. They are confusing as fuck! Excuse my language, but they are. You can meet a guy that is, well in your mind perfect. However, trying to actually get them to like you is a wild goose chase that will never be won. It isn't until you do something with them, like hangout, makeout, do whatever, that you see the real colors come out.

My friend for example. She is with this guy, and I know she really likes him and I hope that he really likes her (although from what she tells me, he does.) But right when they did stuff, BAM so many obsticales come to play into this weird thing that you don't know what to call. Is it a relationship? Is it just a foreplay friend thing? What?

Of course, being you, you would want to be in a relationship with this strapping young lad that you have come to like after you've hung out and other stuff... Yet, he is reluctant. He doesn't want to hurt an old “fuck buddy: or his best friend. Of course you understand, or atleast you say you do but you really want him to just say screw it and then do you right there.

What I don't get is why get, is why is liking someone so... sorry to say it again, but confusing? You can have a total connection, or at least you think you do. Then BAM nothing. He stops texting, calling, talking to you. It's like a form of punishment. You feel like you've done something wrong, but you aren't quite sure you did. You are too obviously afraid of talking to him about any of this, because you are afraid he already see's you as clingy. You just want to ignore the fact that you ever met him but yet you don't want to stop thinking about him. Or, more like you can't stop thinking about him.

It's all so confusing! Can't we all just be straightforward like Jenna Marbles? In her video “People I would Fuck,” she says it like it is. “I like you, you like me, let's get together...” Why can't the world just work that way sometimes? Some people would like to comment that, “Oh but then the world be less 'adventurous'.” You know, I'm okay with that! I just want to find a nice guy that can just like me for me and just kind of be honest and straightforward with me! It would make my life a lot more simple so that way I can have my full attention on my pressing matters in life, such as the fact that I'm trying to find a job, getting a drivers license, and finding money for college.

Now maybe I'm just tired and cranky from not eating today but I don't know if I'm fit for this finding love thing? I'm socially awkward, I don't like to drink excessvily and I've never done drugs (except for those that are prescribed to me). Everyone I seem to want to have a thing for is obviously out of my league. I'm not drop dead gorgeous, or beautiful. I'm always just cute. Yeah... I don't think I'm cut out for this whole thing we call love... Sure I'll love my friends, my family, celebrities, I mean sometimes even random people I meet off the street. But it's not the love that I've been looking for, for about 13 years of my life. (I say 13 because it wasn't until after 5 when I wanted to have someone like Simba did with Nala.)

But I guess my time is up, since men's primes are at the ages of 17- 24... It looks like I'm not getting any “cuter.”

July 10,2011: Sweet Dreams are made of this

I've noticed something about Polson. Polson on a Sunday is like a ghost town in the middle of winter. You see only I would be seen walking around in a ghost town with a tank, shorts, and combat boots on in the middle of winter. Of course I'm walking to be less alone. Hoping that maybe some how I'll feel less lonely then I am? Maybe that this ghost town would, I don't know, transform into a loving person with an excited face, opening up its arms to me; making me feel that I might belong, but no.

I don't feel that.

And of course the only other person that would be out, is homeless Joe, with the Wolf Den sign glowing eerily above his head inviting in other lonely strangers.

I had a dream last night, and I don't know what to make out of it. I'm usually really good at these things. Figuring out dreams for my friends and it seems to make total fucking sense. Yet, whenever I try to figure out my dreams, I always have the hardest of times, because it all could mean so much that is going on in my life. It's weird really.

In this dream I had a really weird feeling. I don't know what it was, but it was as if something was trying to tell me that I needed to be alert, so I was at all times. I was getting prepared for whatever was going to happen, and I was ready at any moment for anything. Yet, nothing would happen.
It soon got to be night out and I couldn't sleep. I was trying to but I just couldn't. (I think it's because I was already asleep.) I felt tired and I felt like I needed to sleep but I just couldn't, no matter what I tried. It was then as if I needed to move, to get out of my house and just go somewhere, yet I didn't know where to go in the middle of the night in Polson, since Polson pretty much closes down at ten.
Yet I had this desire, this need that I needed to fullfill to go somewhere. So I found myself walking out of my front door like I did this sort of thing all the time and I was walking. My feet were bare, I remember that, and I could feel the rocks pinch at my feet as I walked over them. This whole time, I felt like something was going to happen, and it was going to happen soon. The feeling inside of me only got stronger with every step I took, I had to get away from something that was going to happen. I had to get safe.
I was suddenly in this new part of the town that I had never noticed before. It was as if someone built this overnight and it had been there for all the years I had lived in Polson. It was so strange and I wondered where I was, if I was still in Polson, but I knew I was. I had to be, and no matter how much I wanted to stop and look around I couldn't stop, I had to keep walking. Soon I was at the bottom of a giant hill that seemed to overlook everything and then I started climbing. It was a tough climb, but it was as if I gracefully floated up to the top. I stood atop that hill and looked down.
I was looking down upon the new part of Polson as well as Polson itself. Up from this giant hill I could see everything that was happening. Street lights illuminated the sillhouette of the city giving it a kind of greeny outline. Yet I didn't know why I was up on this hill, I just knew deep down inside of me I had to be there.
I soon found myself standing there completely buck-naked. Entirely exposed to all of Polson and the new part of Polson, and I didn't even remember taking off my clothes. To be honest, I don't even remember if I was even wearing clothes before I got up there. If I wasn't, it wasn't until just then that I noticed. I looked around, embarrassed, but I was alone up there on that giant hill over looking the old and new Polson; I got a sense of freedom and relief and felt totally comfortable after.
Then tremors shook the giant hill and at first I started to freak out, or at least in my head I did. I did know however, that no matter what I would be safe up here. Of course down below I heard screaming and saw lights from houses go on. People ran around like little ants whose path has been blocked.
Off in the distance I saw a giant wave wash over the old Polson, quickly making it's way to the new part. I watched. It was like a wave from the ocean that had washed up on shore destroying a small sand village, everything was being destroyed and people were drowning. All this time, I was completely at ease.
I felt a hand interlace it's fingers with mine, and I looked to my right to see a boney hand with a scar as if it had been burned. I contiuned to gaze upon the mysterious body, seeing that the burn scar was connected to more all up and down it's arm. All I remember was that the body was naked like I, and I could not see the face of this mysterious being that was holding my hand. We did not do anything. We simply stood there and watched all of the town being consumed by the wave. I tried to say something but a boney finger came up to my lips to shhh me. I looked into the blurred face and we embraced, our naked bodies touching, our heartbeats matched. That was when I saw the wave right in front of us...

I woke up in a sweat. I want to know what it means, especially since it's one of the very few dreams I remember all the details of. But maybe that's the point of it, I'm not supposed to know what it means, or at least the conscious part of me, but maybe the sub-conscious part is the only one that does and should know. That's okay, because I could use a little more mystery in my life.